MIKE'S Views of the World

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FW: Does everyone cheat ?

2006-07-31T06:37:00.000-07:00

Hello to all of my friends, and how is everyone today ? I hope your all doing fucking great:) As for me, I'm kinda pissed off and fucking grumpy. I was thinking to myself today, do I know anyone that doesnt' cheat on their mate...? Hmmmmm, it took me about a fucking hour, but I could rattle off a few people. Overall, however, almost everyone I know, is getting sex from someone OTHER then the person they are with. I wonder why that is? Let's all take a look at this issue.

You two meet, and fall in love. Isn't love just grand? Oh, it's so wonderful, just like a spring time rose. Your happy, and giddy. You just can't be away from the "love of your life". The sun just wouldn't rise in the morning, if "they" were not in your life. You two make plans together, and forever is right around the ole' corner now !!

Not so fast there smarty pants. Let me be the fucking sour apple in the apple bucket of love. Let me be the winter for your "spring time rose". Odds are, unless you are with a one of the few rare people in the world, your mate is gonna fuck someone, I promise you that. "No way, my baby wouldn't have sex with another man" a buddy of mine recently said. "She loves me...blah blah blah". Yea right, whatever you say. I didn't have the heart to tell him his wife flat out, balls to the wall, hit on me the day before he said that. Not that I would ever fuck a friend over by fucking his wife, but boy she is a hotty for real, and his is an idiot for not seeing how she really is.

A good buddy of mine just had a baby, and the kid is adorable. I sooo fucking love babies !! They are the greatest gift the world can give anyone. Anyway, so he has this baby, fresh out of the easy bake oven. His girl friend is a sweet heart too. She is a totally beautiful girl. She has a personality to match her pretty face. So why the fuck would he want to cheat on her ? A married chick we both know, was telling me how he has been trying to hook up with her, but she won't do it....with him!! She has readily admitted she has cheated on her husband before, and that she will again. Hey, at least she is honest, right ? Do you think her husband cheats too?

So why do people cheat ? I was talking to this lady, that I never met before in my life. She came by my job, to give a surprise visit to a buddy of mine she has been sleeping with. In case you have not guessed it, he is married too. So myself, and another married buddy I work with, start talking to her. She tells us that she cheats because her husband does not give her the attention she wants and needs. She said that she loves her husband and their children, but the "passion" is gone from relationship. She also told us that her husband just will not "kiss the kitty". Her relationship has gotten so bad with her husband, she told us her 13 daughter even tells her to leave him !!

So now my buddy chimes in. He tells us after the birth of his kids, his wife became as frozen as the ice berg that sunk the fucking Titanic. He tells us about all of the moves he puts on the ice box he calls a wife, and she just won't budge. The pussy is locked up tighter than the receipe for the Coca Cola formula. Well, long story short, she leaves her cell phone number for our other buddy, the one she came to see.

The next day, the "other" buddy tells me the friend I was with called this chick, and boy is he pissed off. I'm thinking to myself, let me get this straight: my one married buddy, is mad at our other married buddy, for calling the married chick he is screwing. Is that fucking insane, or am I the only one who thinks this ? You see how fucking complicated things can get when you cheat ?

While through out the course of history, there have always been cheaters, I think today it's at epic level proportions. I really believe a part of it, is that people cheat more, because they see less of each other. Everyone now days has to work two and three jobs, just to pay for fucking gasoline !! I also think the problem is MTV, and all of the shitty music out there on the radio too. A lot of the images we see and the music we hear today, talks about "fucking bitches, Pimpin', being a whoe, slappin dat booty", and all kinds of other shit like that. Whether you relize it or not, these stupid things really do shape the way society thinks. Slowly but surely, the concept of the quick fuck, and fucking around has really become not only socially acceptable, but actually the in thing to do. And hell, you know the government is behind this sexual propoganda, cause the more people are out fucking, the less they are thinking about how they are getting fucked in the ass with no vasoline by the government, day in and day out.

My favorite group of cheaters, are the bible thumpers. Shit, even when I was growing up, I knew that if I met a catholic girl, I wasn't gonna fuck her, but she was gonna FUCK ME :) I don't even go to church, and I can tell you of about 50 preachers and pastors I have heard about from friends that do go to church, having to leave the congragation, cause they got caught fucking around. I guess these jack offs figure if they ask god for forgiveness after they are done fucking, god will be ok with it.

The irony of all this infidelity going on, is that the one's who are out there fucking around, would be DESTROYED if they found out they were getting played too. A pal of mine litterally cheats all of the time. This fucker cheats so much, he even has his own apartment !! Now when I say his own apartment, get a load of this. This fucker is married with kids. He he has a big house, and a devoted wife. Of course he works a lot, so there's his excuse for not being home much. He gets sooo much ass on the side, he went out and got an apartment, that his wife obviously has no idea about. Not only that, he has been seeing this other girl that doesn't know he is married, and she wants to get an apartment with him. Now, here is the kicker, he is actually thinking about moving in with her too!!! Is he fucking insane ? The worst part is, I was giving him shit one day telling him, his wife doesn't care if he comes home all the time or not, cause she is probably getting ass on the side too. He looked at me like I just asked him if I could ass fuck his mom, while another guy jerked off in her face. He was pissed. In a very honest and sincere voice, he says to me "I'd fucking kill her if she were cheating on me". Hellllooooo, reality check in isle 6 please.

I guess the morale of the story is this. If your out there fucking around, there's a good chance your mate is gonna too. Contrary to what all of these "playa's" think, people know when they are getting cheated on. It may not be something the other side can put their finger on, but trust me, they always know. You gotta ask yourself a couple of questions before you go out and get some strange. Do you think if you devoted as much time into the relationship your in, as opposed to getting some ass on the side, your relationship might actually be pleasent enough, to where you won't NEED to go get some strange ass ?

  Are you willing to risk losing everything you have at home, for the chance to get a piece of ass, that has probably been had by more guys than Madonna or Paris Hilton? And let's not forget the subject of sexually transmitted dieseases. Do you really want to bring some exploding pussy illness home to the mother of your children ? For the cheaters out there, remeber this. If you just can't help but fuck like a rabbit, that's fine. At least have the balls to tell your mate you are done, or work on having some type of open relationship with your partner. An example of this is going to swingers clubs. What's good for the goose is always good for the gander, isn't that how the saying goes ? Stop being a pussy about it, and be proud of your labeto. The whole concept of "adventure with security" is great, when you are the one out there fucking. Myself, having been on the other end of that type of relationship can tell you first hand, it sucks. it hurts, and it's just not fucking cool.

It's your ass, now go figure out how your gonna give it up.

Be safe,
Ferg






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FW:

2006-07-11T07:18:00.000-07:00

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Hello my friends. I'm gonna touch on a subject today, that really pisses me off. While I know we have covered a lot of crap on this site, here's something we have not. Ya see, my good buddy Kevin's web sights got hacked into, and all of the hard work he has put into his assorted web sites was deleted. That's right kids, deleted. Some really bored mother fucker, with nothing better to do with his or her time, went into his web servers computer, and knocked the shit out of everything he had. Before I really go off on these ass fuckers, lets back up the truck a pinch.

When PC's first came out, they kinda sucked. Actually, they really sucked big time. My dad had one of the first Apple's that came out, and even as a kid I was like "this shit really sucks". My dad, being the man that he was, hated that Apple worse than I did, but his buddy had a hard on for it like Johnny fucking Holmes. He would sit in front of that piece of shit for HOURS. To this day, I still have no idea what he was doing, but anyway. So my dad gave him the computer. Until the day my pop passed on, he never touched another PC again. I guess that fucking Apple was like the "hot stove" of the computer world for my dad.

So back to the story. The point I'm getting at here is this. Computers were simple. You could play pong, do some nifty little shit to impress your friends, like make a dancing stick figure, and shit like that. But, they were simple. As computers got more advanced, a weird thing happened. The term computer "virus" came into being. When I first heard the term, I was fucking amazed. Wow, computers can get viruses like people. That's some crazy shit. I didn't know for a good couple of years, these viruses were MAN MADE. And that is no lie. Me, in my simple little, Atari 2600 playing world, really thought these "viruses" were made by some other magical and mysterious means. Hey, I never said I was fucking smart, and I know about half of my readers are thinking "that dude is a dumb fuck".

So, I thought to myself, there are really people that "make" these viruses? Hmmmm, that's really weird. Why would someone do that ? Well, lets see. There are a LOT of people making money off of ANTI-VIRUS programs for computers, could it be a big corporate scam ? Well DUH, of course the first computers viruses were, and if anyone tells ya different, tell him that you also believe the fucking moon is made of Swiss cheese. The problem with the advent of the "virus", was it set off a god damn ticking time bomb in some fucking nerd's head !!!!!

Somewhere out there, some fucking nerd was sitting on his fucking lonely bed, in his lonely house, in his fucking dork ass lonely world, and thought, "hmmmm, that's pretty cool, but watch this shit world". So fucking Nerd man, lord of the one man circle jerk, figures he's gonna make the world pay, like a non funny Dr. Evil. "Bridgett said she would rather take her retarded brother Phil to the prom then me" , "That hooker said she wouldn't fuck me, even though I offered her two thousand dollars, cause she said my ball's smelled like her dad's ass", "Revenge of the nerds was obviously a fantasy movie, cause those nerds got laid". Yup, this fucker was BITTER.

He may not have gotten attention before, but now, in a passive agresive way, the world was gonna pay, one way or the other. So Nerd man makes a computer virus, FOR FREE, FOR FUN!! And just like a real virus, the concept of hacking into computers and viruses spread, from one nerd, to another nerd, to another nerd. Which brings us to the here and now.

Poor Kev's shit got hacked, virused, and deleted. Why may you ask, would someone do this ? Why would someone spend countless hours, creating things, and doing things to fuck other people's shit up ? To tell you the truth, I have no fucking idea. What I can tell you is this. These people must be some BORED mother fuckers. Granted, they are obviously smart mother fuckers, cause it takes a lot of talent, and brains to do shit like that, but....To any computer people that get off on doing shit like this, I want you to know, your all fucking ignorant. Take a deep breath, and step away from the computer. Go outside and play catch with your dog. Watch a movie....in a theater, not off of your PC. Go buy a porno DVD, and jerk off. I do that one all the time and it's fun :)

While you make think that your really smart and cool, all your really doing is showing the rest of the world that you are lonely, and have low self esteem. You obviously feel insignificant, and the only time you feel like you are in control of ANYTHING, is when your fucking up other people's shit. Unlike real vandals, who do their shit up close and personal, you hide behind your computer monitor, inflicting damage usually, from thousands of miles away. What kind of pussy ass shit is that ? You fucking cowards. If you wanna break someone's shit, at least have the balls to do it with your own two hands. Not with your carpel tunnel filled fingers. If any of you need someone to talk to, write to me. I will gladly be your pen pal, and try to develope your social skills. Volunteer your time, to using your skills to do some good !! Go set up computer programs at nursing homes for the residents, so maybe someone's grandma can e-mail her fucking grand kids, which might just make her whole fucking month, never mind her day !!

To all of you computer nerds who do evil things with your skills, the moral of the story is this. You have a great talent, that can do a lot of good for lots of people. Use your talents for good things, not bad ones. Most computer owners are just like you, working hard to make ends meet, and when you fuck up our computers, you cost us regular dumb folks A LOT of money to fix our shit. Look at fucking Bill Gates. He was one of you, a computer nerd that is. He used his powers for good, and look at that RICH fuck. I envy all of you nerdy computer bastards, cause I wish I had the smarts ya'll have, and that's no frigging joke. Now stop being a bunch of assholes, and go do something good. And by all means, get out a little, life is passing you by. Go intermingle with people. Get away from the computer. You might have a whole new out look on things.

Be safe,

Ferg

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When to say enough

2006-07-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends, how are we today ? I noticed a few typos in my "space sex" piece, and I will fix 'em, I promise. Now that I got the ole' apology out of the way. Let's get to todays lesson shall we ?

While writing back and forth with a friend of mine from Deleware, it came up in the course of the typed conversation, about knowing when to say "enough". There are many circumstances when the word "enough" should be used, and we will try to cover some of them right now:)

The most obvious time of course, is when we are DRINKING. For some unknown reason, many of us just don' t know when to use the words, "enough", "no more", "I'm done". Instead the only time we stop are when these words come up, "I'm gonna throw up", "please make the room stop spinning", "where am I", and "of course I would love to fuck you, whats your name again"?

I think a big problem with drinking, is that it's a social event. We meet up with our frineds, and we all go out to have a good time. So now everyone's at the bar, throwing a few back, and then a few more. Now everyone's pretty toasted, and feeling good, and this is where it should stop....but nooooooooo. What happens next you ask ? Ya'll know the answer, your just not thinking hard enough.

Some asshole in the group say's "another round for everyone"! The one brave soul in the group say's "no, I'm good". I don't know why this happens, but saying anything close to these words is like shitting in the bowl of holly water at church. All of the other people in the group look at this person like they said "I just fucked your mom, and I have full blown Herpes AND aids".

I don't know at what point in time, it became so uncool to STOP drinking at a ceratin point. It's not a fucking competion. There is NOTHING cool about throwing your fucking gut's up, and being hung over for the next two day's. If you feel like you have hit your drinking limit, say the magic word "enough". Be a mold breaker, and just say it. Fuck anyone that tells you different. Remind the asshole that call's you a "wussy" , we are NOT in high school anymore, and that if you do throw up, your gonna make sure it's right in their fucking stupid face:)

Another circumstance when we should use the word "enough", is when we are eating. Why is it so hard to say "enough" when it comes to eating? Is it lack of sex? Are we trying to make up for something missing in our lives with food? As far as lack of sex goes, it's kinda a vicious cycle. The less sex we get, the more we eat, and the more we eat, the less sex we get. This is because we keep getting fatter and fatter. The fatter we get, the less appealing we are to the opposite sex, and the next thing you know, your jerking off with your right hand, while holding a twinkie in your left.

This could really be a dangerous situation too, because lord know's no one wants to eat their own "creamy filling". "Hmmmm, this creamy filling is kinda tart today, and a little salty too". The next thing you know, your firing off a letter to the folks at Hostess cakes, bitching about the salty cream filling. Obviously, the guy that wrote you the response letter is a tubby fuck too, because HE KNOWS what happened: Dear sir, it is highly recommended that you do not masterbate your penis, while eating a twinkie...your's truly, Hostess cakes. Holly shit, how did that fucking guy know ?

The biggest situation, in which we need to say "enough", is in the relationship department. At what point in a relationship do we need to say enough ? When there is more pain in the relationship then pleasure. When you spend more time apart from each other fighting, then you do together having fun. When you know in your heart your mate is out meeting new people, and just keeping you around as a saftey net.

Why is it soooo hard to bail out of a failing relationship ? The answer is simple. No one likes to get rejected by someone they love. For some reason, it's human nature to believe that if we give up, that is when the other person will cave in, and hook up with someone else. When in reality, they have been getting busier then a horney beaver for months. While deep down inside we know this, we pretend that we don't. We make believe that if we stick it out just a bit longer, maybe the other person will see the light, and relize you are the true love of their life.

When do you know when to stay in a troubled relationship ? I can't phrase it any better than my friend from Delaware when she said "when the other person is fighting as hard to save the relationship as you are". Wow Dana, truier words have never been spoken.

The moral of the story is this: Anything in moderation is cool, and when things are going good, go with the flow and have fun. Don't let the "fun", however, cloud your judgement. Relize when the fun is over, and futher indulgence in food, wine, or relaionships may be harmeful to your health, be it emotional or physical.

Now go get drunk, and go have sex with your cheating mate. Then stumble into your local IHOP, and eat like a fuckjng pig ....just kidding :)

be safe,

ferg

space sex

2006-06-24T04:20:00.000-07:00

Let Me start by saying, I KNOW IT'S BEEN A FUCKING WHILE !!!!! It's been way to long. I must get e-mails every day saying "Hey bag o' shit, weres the goods, you goofy stupid bastard!!!! I know I have promised in the past, that we were back,,,,blah blah fucking blah. Well, this time its for real. I'am back, and I'am here to advise, bitch, moan, and maybe get laid once in a blue moon to boot.

Speaking of the moon, this brings me up to a subject I would like to discuss. A subject that actually got started in a bar the other night, by yours truly. If by some miricle of miricles, you were choosen to fly on the space shuttle, what would you do ? What whould you bring with you? A great camara, your significant others picture, your whubbie ?

Well, this subject got tossed around by myself, and a few friends. Everyone had their two cents worth of predictable shit the would bring, or shit they would do while the were in space. I got two words for all of the people's responses I heard the other night: FUCKING BORING !!!!

I was like, HELLOOOOOOO, if you got one chance in a life time to fly on the space shuttle, you'd bring a fucking roll of quarters and some tiny ameriacan flags ?? Did anyone tell this brain dead bitch, every fucking astronot has done this....ALREADY !! "Come on people" I cried!! "You can do better than that, much better".

"Ok smarty dick", a cry came from the crowd, "what would you bring, what would you do"? Funny you should ask...heheheheeh. Well, for starters, I would check the size of those big pockets, on those bright orange flight suits, to see who much shit I could smuggle into space. The fuckers look pretty damn big, so I'am sure the could hold ALOT!!!

My first trip before pre flight, would be right to the local liquer store. Once there I would get some limes, salt, and a bottle of Patron tequila. That's right, Patron. Nothing is to good for my trip into outer space. My next step would be to my local doctor. Yup that's right, my doctor. I would tell him I have been really anxious as of late, and I can't fall asleep...cha ching!! Now I have got me some xanax and some ambien.

The next part of my space picinic basket would require me to call an old friend whom I call the lawn mower man. I call him this cause nobody's better at getting weed when it's needed then him. Now that I have all my zero G goodies, the next thing I would do is start to get VERY close to the hottest girl on the flight.

I use the term "hottest" loosly, because there are not many good looking female astronots. There are some that are pretty damn hot, but I would have to assume with my luck, I'll be flying with the ugly ones, so this is were the "picnic basket will most definetly help.

Ok, now we are on the launch pad, all of my pockets filled with contraband. I' am not only ready to fly into space, I'am ready to be "higher" then all of the other astronots combined. "THREE"..."TWO"..."ONE"...BLAST OFF, the cool voice over dude announces, and whoooosh...off we go into space. What all of the other nerds I'm sitting with on the shuttle don't relize, is that I have been in orbit for the past hour prior, thanks to the lawn mower man, who modified the breather in my space helmet with a pipe, screen, and a bowl.

Thank god for those super reflective space visors. Anyway, we are in orbit now, and its time to get down to our orange flight suits, the ones with all of the pockets, of mine which are filled with my "major tom" space goodies. On this flight, we have an American pilot, and co-pilot. Down below on "B" deck, its myself, Gurtrude, and Rebecca.

Gurtrude is this thick, somewhat hairy Russian gal, and Rebecca is a little blond haired nerdy Canadian girl. While the two guys in the cock pit are doing cock pit things, I ask these two space lovelys if they want to party. Before I go on, however, lets talk about the term "cock pit". Since technecally speaking, a girls vagina is a "cock pit", why don't they call it the "pussy pit" ? I was just wondering....sorry.

Anyway, these two nerdy girls think by partying, I mean have some celebratory orange juice. I let them believe that for a sec. I whip out my trusty Patron, and put it into a jello cup. I tell them to open up, as I flick salt at their mouths. To see that salt flying in zero g, in a straight line right to their lips, would be a sight to be seen, but it can only get better.

I flick my finger tip at the back of the jello cups, and two balls of Patron go flying across the cabin, not veering an inch off course to the intended targets, Rebbeca's and Gurtrude's mouths. Like two trained dolphins, both girls, using their mouths only, scoop up the Patron. The party has officially begun.

Now to my readers, picture this is you in this situation. So far, would you not have done the same fucking thing ? You bet your sweet ass you would !! So now you have these two female astronots flyiing all over the cabin, chasing big giggly balls of Patron, and getting drunker by the minute. Shit another couple of shots, we could be looking at the next girls gone wild video, coming to you live from outter space.

This leads us up to our next point, and I asked this to some of my married friends. If you had the chance to fuck one of the female astronots in space, even if it ment cheating on your wife or husband, would you ? They were all like "no way". Well, I have two words for them...fucking lying bithces!! Imagine what it would be like to fuck in zero gravity ?? Holy shit, that would be the best sex anyone could ever possibly have....period!!

I would fuck the ugliest bicth on the shuttle just to get some extra terrestrial ass!! I wouldn't care if when Gurtrude took off her flight suit, and she had a full set of hair panties sprouting 3 feet from her groin. Sometimes, for the sake of science, we have to put oursleves second, and for this "experiment", I would be the number one volunteer.

Well, I know how my senario would really go. I would quickly strike out with Rebbeca and Gurtrude, cause they are a bunch of spineless nerds. Oh boy, oh fuck, only one thing left to do. If I make it to space, I'am at least busting a fucking nut in space. With no gravity to stop it, the giz will go off like a cannon shot..!!!

I would be cranking my dick faster and faster, until I let out a little "umph", and off it goes. Gurtrude, who was trying to make it look like she wasn't watching what I was doing, see's my white lightning seamen ball flying straight for her, and she manages to push off the bulkhead, sending her flying harmlessly out of the way of my intergaltic manhhod.

Rebecca on the other hand was not so lucky. You see, Gurtrude and Rebecca were standing right next to each other, working on the same experiment. Gurtrude showed her true feelings for Rebecca by muttering not a single word, in regards to the in coming giz bomb. Right before impact, Rebecca turned right towards the flying white furry, a split second before it made impact, with her face!!!

With no garvity to help her, it did not oozzzzzeee down her cheeks, towards her chin. Shit, I didn't even budge. Being the professional she was, Rebecca did not say a single word, kicked off of the bulkhead nearest to her, and flew right to the space pottie, where she threw up for about twenty minutes. The smarty pants that I 'am, I know this would be the cum shot of a life time, so I would make sure I got it on tape.

Come on guys and girls, you know that come shot would show up in about every porno made. I would make a huge profit off of one lillte squirt :) Well, now as we were getting our gear on, to prepare to land, I relized Rebecca was a tad more pissed than I thought. As I put on my flght helmet, I felt something warm and most in my helmet, which was followed by a horrible smell. No, it wasn't the tree gallons of throw up she had let loose, it was about five pounds of Rebecca's freshly made shit!!! Touche Rebecca, Touche !!:)

Well kids, here is the moral of the story. In this world, if you ever get the chance to do something few people ever get the chance to do, live totally for that moment!! Think outside of the box. Make your experiance and experiance NO ONE has ever had before, even if it means masterbaiting in outter space.

In this world, very seldom do opportunities come up, where we literally get the chance of a life time to do something. Since it's your life, and your memories, make the moment count !!!!

Be safe..ferg

How many people can I piss off ???

2006-05-07T13:15:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends. I'am sooo sorry I have been gone for so long, but like a good case of genital herpes, I'am back. As you all know, I have kinda drifted off of the face of the earth. Even a super hero like me has his limits, and I have reached mine. While my mind has gone from normal, and into the twilight zone of insanity, I would like to apologize to all of the people I have pissed off and hurt along the way.

To give you all the update, since my wife left me, I got really hurt at work, and now I walk around like a fucking 90 year old with a broken hip. It won't be forever thank god, but let me tell ya, when it rains, it fucking comes down in buckets. It wouldn't be so bad, except it's actually the buckets that are hitting me, not the fucking water.

Ok, now lets start with my apology list shall we ? To my wife. I'am very sorry all of this shit happened. As you have already figured out, all of this shit was over nothing. I'am sorry you didn't believe me when I told you at the beginning of all of our problems.

To my sisters. I'am sorry I have been so distant, but we all must follow our own path when it comes to dealing with our problems. Some people, like to surround themselves with tons of people, in order to drown out their pain. Well, like one of my other pieces stated, I like my pain. I needed to hurt as much as could, because once you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up.

To Frankie and Kev. Man, you two guys have been my life line for real. You two are the best friends anyone can ask for. Nuff said.

To Beth. I'am sorry things didn't work out. You are a sweet heart for real. Be advised, I NEVER SAID ANY OF THE SHIT that you were told I said. I know you probably hate me cause of all of the shit talking, but believe me, I never said any of that retarded stuff. If anything, all of the stuff I said about you was nice.

While there were probably many other people I pissed off, I will address them some other time. I gotta start another piece about how great all of the pain medicine that the doctors gave me was.

Be safe,

Ferg

Dana's update

2006-04-25T22:08:00.000-07:00

Oh my dear sweet Dana. Let me start by saying you do not sound pathetic at all. There is not a single person over the age of 10, that can honestly say they have not felt the kind of pain you are feeling. We all have hurt like you are now, so stop with that "pathetic" stuff right now young lady. Now that I am armed with more info, from the last two e-mails you sent, we are gonna dig deeper into what your going through.

The one thing you told me was he cheated on you, and that's why you broke up. That's a big problem right there, but here is how it gets multiplied by a million. Once he cheated on you, and you two split up, I'am sure you were devastated. The pattern for the rest of the relationship was set, however, when you kept telling him how much you cared. I'am sure you also told him you wanted him back. That was a big mistake, because by doing this, you gave him the green light to treat you like shit.

So now we got ole cock boy, thinking his shit does not stink one bit. He has this girl (you) madly in love with him, even though he cheated like a fucking dog. Just like the first push on a domino, once the first one falls, its hard to stop them. Its pretty obvious from what you have told me, you have never drawn a line in the sand, and said "if you cross this line, fuck off and die you piece of shit". He keeps pushing you, because you allow him to.

This is were the distant but friendly part comes into play. If he didn't need you in his life, he would have stopped talking to you a long time ago. The thing is however, he does. You make him feel good about himself, and you do it for FREE!!! You make no demands on him whatsoever. All he has to do, is sit back, and enjoy the ego trip you give him. He is used to the attention after all this time. Believe me, when you cut it off, which hopefully you will, he will notice it.

You wrote in you follow up e-mail, you have been trying the "distant" approach, but it has not been working. Well remember what I told you. It is gonna take a least a week to really sink into ol'e boys head, that you are pulling away. Plus, I get the feeling your only making a half hearted effort. I know your not a game player, but its pretty clear you have had no luck in the past.

Look at this like a game of poker. A good poker player NEVER shows his/her own hand. They never let the other players see what's going on inside of their heads. They always keep their "poker face" up, whether they have four aces, or a shitty hand. You must do the same thing. At this point, you have nothing to lose, and your sanity to gain.

Keep trying the ol'e "distant" method. Trust me sweetie, you'll get his attention. In the mean time, you need to focus on other things like your friends, other guys...etc You need to free up your mind, and stop wasting all of your emotional energy on him, and put it to better use. Use it on YOU :)

FW: Dana seeks some advice

2006-04-22T03:26:00.000-07:00

Hello to all my friends. I'am sorry I have been away for so long. So much shit has been going on in my dumb ass life, I can hardly believe it. The shit has been mostly bad too. That is not what we are here to discuss today. Our good friend Dana is seeking some advice. Dana my love, I am gonna give it to you straight. We will fix this problem. Lets see what Dana had to say.

"I have been in love with this guy for two years. We were friends, dated and broke up. We managed to stay friends, but it has never been the same. I miss him and I want to be with him again. Sometimes I feel like he might want the same thing. But then he won't return my phone calls and then when he does he is distant and kind of cold. I know he is dating a few girls, but he never admits to it when we talk. I feel like he hides things from me. Why wouldn't he just tell me the truth? It is not like we are dating. He knows how I feel about him, but he never tells me how he feels. Is he just using me and wants to keep me hanging on? Or is there something I am missing? You seem to know guys pretty well, so I would appreciate any help you could give".

Oh my dear Dana. Let me start by saying you sound like a real sweet heart. You seem like a great girl, and I'am sorry you have been caught up in a bad deal, and that's what you have here. Let me explain what has been going on. The one thing I wish you would have told me, is why did you two break up ? It's ok though, I think I got this one pegged anyway.

From everything you have told me in your letter, it sounds to me like this guy is a piece of shit. It's pretty obvious, you have been very honest with him. You have told him how much you care about him, and all you have gotten is dumped on like a chump. Believe me sweetie, I don't think for one second you are anything but wonderful. I don't even know your ex-boyfriend and I don't like him already.

The problem you are dealing with, all revolves around the fact your ex doesn't want you right now, but he does not want anyone to have you neither. Believe me, he knows how you feel, and it makes him feel really good. You have become the emotional safety net, in his tight rope of life. The irony is, he needs you more than you need him, you just don't know it. Be advised though, this guy is a selfish son of a bitch, and he is the LAST thing you need in your life. Let me explain.

You both dated and broke up. The reason is not that important, as to why you two split up. The bottom line is, the both of you maintained a relationship after the break up. Even though you said you guys stayed friends, you obviously made it very clear to him, you still loved him, and wanted to be with him. He responded by giving you some crumbs right ? The ole dreaded "string along". I bet every time he gave you a crumb, one of two things happened.

The first one is this. He probably had a very bad dating experience or someone he was dating blew him off. He likes some chick, and she gives him the ole heave ho like you should. Damn, he is hurting right ? Little Suzie Bitchass just hurt your true loves feelings, and he is hurting. Well, if you were him, were would you go to help heal your battered and bruised ego ?

Hmmmm, let me see. If I were him, I would go to the one person in the whole world that I know loves me. A person that thinks I'am a great guy, even though Suzie thinks I'am a dick bag. A person who strokes my ego with her unconditional love. That would be you Dana. I'am positive you make this guy feel like gold. Lots of compliments, praise, and love. You have put your ex on a pedestal, and he loves it. It makes him feel good.

The second thing is this. I bet there are plenty of times you get sick of this shit. Somewhere in your head, the smart part of you is screaming to the heart part of you "fuck this guy, he is an asshole". Occasionally, this part of you actually gets a chance to show itself, and when it does, he notices it. You may not, but he really does, trust me on this one.

So now your ready to tell you ex to fuck off, and he feels the heat. He can't lose you, because he needs you. Remember, you make him feel great. He knows that no matter what, you will always be there. Because you make him feel great, and he does need you, anytime he feels like you may move on with your life, he gets nervous. He starts to give you attention, because he has to reel you back in.

He doesn't give you to much attention, because he doesn't want to start a new relationship with you. He wants to keep things the way they are, because he has it fucking GREAT!! He can go out and fuck around, and not have to worry about being held accountable to you. He can get all the love he needs from you, when he needs it. When he doesn't need it, he can just put it back up and the shelf, until he needs you again.

The way he is, is all your fault, because you have allowed it. You were the one who set the standard to which you both now live by. You were the one, who because of the fact you love him, have taken him back into your heart, no matter what he does. You never drew the proverbial "line in the sand". I know right now your thinking I'am a dick head, but sweetie I'am right.

The first mistake you made, was thinking that if you took all of his shit, he would come around. You thought if you loved him unconditionally, he would eventually think "wow, this is a great girl, I love her". This may work in the movies Dana, but in real life it doesn't amount to shit, because people suck ! Now, do not think I'am downing you, because I'am not. The only thing you are really guilty of, is being a person in love. People tend not to think to well when they are in love, and that is why I'am here my darling to guide you through all of the shit.

Now, lets turn the tables on him shall we Dana ? Here is what you need to do. First of all, no more telling him how you feel. No more telling him how much you love him, and want to be with him again. I know it will be hard for you, but you are only shooting yourself in the foot. You must stop calling him as much, and when you talk to him, keep the conversation short. Be "DISTANT BUT FRIENDLY".

If you have read my other stuff, you have heard this term before. If you have not, let me clue you in. Always be friendly when you talk, but not over friendly. Treat him like you would treat a good acquaintance. Don't lay out all your cards on the table, whenever you speak. Don't call him every day, or take his calls all the time.

You need to make him start to wonder what is up with you. Make him think "geez, she isn't mad at me, but she sure is acting different". By being distant but friendly, what you are doing is you are making him guess what you are doing. Your silently planting the seed in his head, that you may have found someone new. He'll be asking himself "where are all of the usual compliments...where is the love...why is Dana acting different...she is kinda of distant now". "Did she meet someone" ?

What happens next is he will start to doubt himself. He will start to crave your approval again. Like I said, he needs you more than you need him. You just have to make him realize it, by taking about 20 steps back away from him. You will find, that he will be the one to call you all of the time. He will start giving YOU compliments. He will start to tell YOU how much he cares.

It will be hard at first Dana, because it seems like you are not a game player. Like I told you, you appear to be a great girl. You HAVE to fight the urge to call him as much as you usually do. You HAVE to fight the urge to tell him how you feel about him. Believe me girl, he ALREADY knows how you feel, so no more, You got it ? We need to take him off of that huge pedestal you have placed him on. We need to make that fucker stand down here, with the rest of us shit heads.

It may take a week, two weeks, a month. Whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE IN. The first week or so, he will be in denial, so you might not see any results. The whole key here, is to stick it out. I can promise you, IT WORKS EVERY TIME. Now, here is the next part of my advise.

Why do you love him ? Why do you want to be with someone that keeps you hanging ? Why do you want to be with someone who tells you half truths ? Like I said, you seem like a really cool girl, and you deserve better than that, cause you are better than that. I know love is a hard thing to fight, but look at is this way. If he is doing this shit already, why do you want to be with him still? He is obviously an immature guy, or he would not be playing stupid games.

He also appears to be a selfish bitch. You said you two are still friends right ? Well let me tell you, if he really cared about you, he would not lead you on. If he REALLY cared about you, and not himself, he would WANT you to meet a really nice guy. He would openly encourage you to go hook up with some really cool guy, but he doesn't.

Its ok for him to go play the field, all the while you are left holding a bag full of his emotional luggage. The most important person in this guys life is HIM. You don't need that my love. You need someone who is not selfish. You need someone who will put you before himself. This guy has been holding you back, from the chance to find a good guy, for his on selfish needs. I think you are in love with what you want this guy to be, not what he really is. Dana, he will NEVER be the guy you are in love with, because he does not exist.

If you follow my advice, you will get the chance to be with him again. The question is, do you really want to be with him ? Write me back and let me know how it goes ok ? Or just write me back to tell me how you are doing, ok Dana ? Thanks sweetie, take care of yourself :)

be safe,

Ferg

It's better to have loved and lost ?

2006-04-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

There is a famous saying out there, that has been around for a very long time. While the author who coined the phrase slips my memory, I'am sure many of my loyal readers know who I'am talking about. A phrase that warms the cockles of ones heart, and makes people go "aawwhh".

Oh yeah, it would probably help if I actually told ya'll the phrase, "its better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all".

Well, I've got a phrase of my own to describe what I feel about that saying, "bull fucking shit". I'll bet ya $20.00 BUCKS, the fuck nut who struck that phrase, NEVER lost. I bet everything that mother fucker touched, turned to god damn gold, including women. I guess you can tell I'am a bitter mother fucker. Well I'am, so fuck him and the love train he rode in on. Let me introduce you to the reality of loving and losing.

You meet this girl, and in an instant you are hooked. You don't know why, but you think about her day and night. She has every quality you have ever wanted in a girl, and then some. Slowly but surely, you two get to know each other, and you two become friends. With each passing day, you think you can't fall any harder, but you do my friend, oh you do.

Then, out of the blue, like a lightning strike on a sunny day, she tells you she likes you too. Your heart pounds so hard, you think your gonna have a fucking heart attack. This can't be real. God must really like you, because this is like a fucking miracle. You two talk on a level that you never imagined, and you set up a REAL FUCKING DATE ! Oh boy, we've got a live one here.

You two go out, and you have a blast. She nuzzles up to you all night long. The feel of her touch is like electricity. Her smell is sweet and intoxicating. You keep pinching yourself, because somewhere in your mind, you are scared shitless this is just a very vivid dream. You like this girl so much, the last thought you have on your mind is having sex with her. Just holding her hand is better than the best sex you ever had. It doesn't get any better than this.

A few weeks later, things are going so great, you feel like the king of the world. She loves you, you love her, and it looks like you finally found your true soul mate. You can't imagine what life was like without her. Did you even have a life ? Nope, your life started the day you two got together, and that's all there is to it. Then, in the distance you hear it, "beep..beep..beep". The noise keeps growing louder and louder, but what the fuck is it ? That's right, it's that fucking alarm clock from the last paragraph. Wake up dick head, dream time is over.

One day your phone rings, and its her. You can tell by her voice, something is not right. She beats around the bush for a few minutes, and then finally she hits you with it. She does not want to see you anymore. You ask her why, and she gives you some lame ass excuse. You try to reason with her, but she won't hear it. You beg her to just see you, and talk to you in person, but again she tells you no. You beg her not to do it, and you even cry. What the fuck just happened, and why did she take your heart, if she didn't plan on keeping it ?

Well my friend, in most cases, you just got ass fucked by the folks I talked about in a previous post, the Assholes and Budinskies. They, however, are not the focus of our subject, but we still hate those dirty fuckers for real !!! Anyway, off she goes with your heart. It's over, and that's it. You try to function, but you can't. Forget about getting out of bed, even breathing is a complicated task. You can't eat, and you can't sleep. Your every thought is STILL of her, but your these thoughts hurt you, like a thousand daggers through your soul or what's left of it.

You cling to your friends for support. You try to keep your mind busy, but it just doesn't matter. Your closest friends take you out drinking, and you even get hit on by the prettiest chick in the bar. It doesn't matter, does it ? Brittany Spears could walk up to you, and tell you that she has been waiting for you her whole life. You don't care, It's not her, and you feel nothing.

The weeks go by, and you have managed to accomplish many things you used to take for granted, before her. You even took a shower the other day. Wow, your making progress. Months go by, and you still miss her with all of your heart. You have actually managed to fool everyone into thinking you are ok, but you know you will never get over her. You know for as long as you live, the day she left you, she really did take your heart with her. She left you with a void, that will never be filled.

While talking to a intellectual friend of yours about the whole thing, he says it, he says the fucking phrase. Maybe he was really trying to make you feel better. Maybe he was just trying to impress you with his knowledge or alleged wisdom. Whatever the case may be, it is at this moment you realize your friend is a total idiot.

The moral of the story is this. It is not better to have loved and lost. Not by a long shot. As much as we day dream about being with a person or fall in love with them from a distance, it is nothing like actually being with that person. How could you miss the taste of strawberries, if you never ate one ? They may look so fucking yummy, that you drool every time you picture them, but you can't miss what you never tasted.

You might miss what may have been with that person, but you would have never truly known, unless the two of you were actually a couple. Now don't confuse this whole thing with a relationship that went through it's natural course. The relationship where after being with someone for awhile, you both realize you can not stand the fucking sight of each other. I've been talking about that whirl wind romance, that just sweeps you off of your fucking feet. "The higher the fire, the shorter the flame", is the saying the comes to mind.

I wish I could tell all of you to avoid these types of relationships, but it really is impossible to do. When your heart takes over your soul, all caution is regretfully tossed to the wind. Sometimes, as with my parents, these relationships do work out. In other cases they don't. Its kind of like playing Russian Rolette. You either win big, or lose even bigger.

Just consider me to be the proverbial warning on the medicine label. The one that tells you, even though this product may cure what you have wrong with you, it can also cause palpitations, nausea, panic disorder, sleeplessness, dizziness, and death. I hope the chamber is empty for you.

Be safe,

Ferg

FW: kiss me before you fuck me please

2006-04-03T06:31:00.000-07:00

I drove to the gas station the other day, and I nearly shit my pants. No, it had nothing to do with the pre packaged beef and bean buritto I bought there. Before I ate the buritto and filled the gas tank in my tummy, I needed to fill the gas tank in my jeep. So I get out, and run into the store, and tell the counter guy "twenty on pump two please". I slap that yummy burrito on the counter, pay for it, then its outside to my awaiting Jeep I go.

As usual, I selected regular unleaded. After I made my selection, I figured "shit, I must have made a mistake". The price was fucking $2.58 A GOD DAMN GALLON !!!! I didn't remember hearing any more bad news then usual from the middle east. George Bush's global war on whatever was going as horrible as usual. No breaking news, however. No more stories of Iran developing nuclear weapons or of it turning out Osama is really a chick with a dick. Nope, not a fucking thing.

So later on, I go home and get on line, to see if I missed something. I had to have, right? Not that the price from the two days ago, a $2.23 a gallon was any friggin' bargain, but it sure beat the shit out of $2.58 a fucking gallon. Then, I found it. There it was, the holy grail to my gas price increase. The answer which had eluded me all fucking day. The price of gas had gone up, because of the "summer driving season". Hmmmm, ain't that special. Lets talk about this, shall we ?

In case ya'll don't know, since the year 2000, or the time "W" took office, the oil companies have made the biggest profits in the history of oil consumption. In the year of 2005, Exxon-Mobile recorded the biggest profit made by any company, regardless of the product they sell. As a matter of fact, the profit they made was soooo huge, if they were an actual country, they would be ranked number 16 in world in world economics !! In other words, only 15 COUNTRIES have a stronger economy, then fucking Exxon-Mobile. These cock bag mother fuckers made a profit of 371 BILLION dollars last year.

To give you an idea how big of a profit this really is, they could give every American 1 million dollars, and STILL make a profit of 136 billion dollars. Is that fucking amazing or what ? And you want to hear the BEST part ? Are you ready, are you sitting down ? Due to all the tax breaks "W" put into effect for the big oil companies, these fuckers paid UNDER 2 million dollars in taxes. Does anyone else feel pretty dicked over right now ? Or am I the only one in the world with a mother fucking brain ?

The moral of the story is this. Can these fuck face scum bags at least kiss me before they fuck me ? I understand the principles of free trade and all of that other horse shit, but when is enough enough ? At what point do we say in one loud collective voice "FUCK YOU" ? Where's the fucking government to stick up for us ? Are they not our "voice" ? Oh yeah, that's right, the oil companies also have the largest political lobby group in Washington D.C. This means that your voice and your vote don't mean shit. Money talks, and bullshit walks pal. Sorry average American voter, due to kick backs, campaign contributions, and free vacations to countries were child prostitution is legal, your vote and your voice doesn't count for shit.

What can we do about this problem ? How can we get these fuckers to at least kiss us before they fuck us ? Maybe a little "spit lube" too ? Well, for starters, we need to remind the dick heads in Washington D.C., they work for "US", not corporate world. We need to fax, e-mail, write letters, protest, and do whatever we have to, to get their attention. Election time is coming up soon. Look at your representatives voting record on issues. See who's side they have been on. If you see a pattern of voting on issues that have shown they voted against what best represents the American people, vote that mother fucker back to his/her home town. Remember, these issues don't even need to be about big oil.

It is each and every American citizens job, to be vigilant. Keep yourself current on the issues that affect the USA, foreign and domestic. Know the facts for yourself, so you don't have to get spoon fed the information the politicians want you to know, while in the same breath, they exclude the things they DON'T want you to know. The most important thing to remember is this. The US Constitution is a miracle of a document. It is what has made us the greatest nation on earth. We must respect it, and follow it, even today. Remember, its not just a "god damn piece of paper".

Now go out there and learn about the issues, and fucking vote.

be safe,

Ferg

FW: budinskies and assholes

2006-04-01T13:41:00.000-08:00

You meet the girl of your dreams, and for a short while, things are going great. The both of you are like two peas in the proverbial pod, and you just can't get enough of each other. She's the only thought on your mind 24 hours a day, and the only regret that you have, is there isn't 30 hrs in the day to spend with her. The best part is, she feels just like you do.

Its smooth sailing for a bit, and then it happens. Your dream boat crashes onto the coral reefs of jealousy. Your sails get torn apart by the evil winds blowing out of the mouths of assholes. That's right my friend, your new found relationship has just been destroyed by the Budenskies and Assholes of the world. A horrible breed of people, whom for whatever reason, just can't be happy for two people whom care about each other.

Let me tell you this, I wish these people would drop fucking dead. They are a miserable group of people indeed. Because of this, they will stop at nothing to make everyone around them miserable. Oh no, if they can't be happy, they will be damned if anyone can be. They just hate their lives sooo fucking bad, they must destroy happiness at all costs, whether its their business or not. Happiness to these fuckers, is like sunshine to a god damn vampire. Prolonged exposure to it, may fucking kill them.

Most of these "vampires" are fucking miserable, because they can't keep their fucking pants on. They fuck everything with a dick or a pussy. If for some reason someone slips through their cross hairs, and pays them no attention, look out world. Especially if the cross hair dodger hooks up with someone they know. That really pisses them off.

You see, these ass holes also think they are better, prettier, smarter, sexier...etc, so if they don't feel they have gotten their proper a due, you and your new found love are fucked. Many of these vampires are not even close friends, but acquaintances and co-workers. A real friend would want someone they call a friend to have a wonderful and happy life. That's why they are your friends. Unlike a friend, however, if these fucking scumbag cock suckers see anyone they know in a happy relationship, they get all kinds of jealous.

Instead of being delighted for that person, they take it like a personal insult that someone can be happy, without fucking everyone in the god damn planet. They then make it their personal goal, to destroy you and your new found happiness, even though its none of their god damn business. "How could you want them when I am so fucking hot" is their whiney little worthless battle cry. So then they spread rumors, and talk all kinds of shit amongst themselves. Blah blah blah fucking blah. Their mouths go none stop, 24 hours a fucking day.

After hours, days and weeks of the relentless barrage of bullshit, Your new found love can no longer take it. She seems stressed out all the time, and she gets short with you. She doesn't want to see you all of the time. You know something is wrong, but you can't out your finger on it. Slowly, but steadily, your relationship is failing. If you only knew what the problem was, you would not want to only put a finger on it, but all five of them in a balled up fist, to someone's big fucking mouth. And then they are gone, and you are alone.

The moral of the story is this. If you see things going bad in a new relationship for what appears to be no reason, rest assured, its these dog ass fucking people. The only way to save the situation before it spirals out of control, is to stay as far away from these people as you can. If you notice any of these fuck bags getting into your business, confront them and let them know to butt the fuck out.

Give your other half twice as much love as these dick smokers steal away. Let them know you love them without conditions. Move to another town, city, county, state, country, planet...but do whatever you must. Build good enough open communication skills in the beginning of you relationship, so that when these maggots start talking their shit, she/he will feel comfortable enough to talk to you about the things being said. Good luck, and be strong.

Be safe,

Ferg

FW: Stuck in a hole

2006-03-30T06:28:00.000-08:00

What the fuck is wrong with me ? I found myself asking that question today. Of course, I only asked that question to myself, so does that count as a real question ? I don't really know the answer to that, maybe one of my loyal readers can answer that one, because I can't. Its kind of like that stupid philosophical question "If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one to hear it, does it really make a noise" ?

I guess the answer to both of those questions is "who really gives a fuck". If someone pops the answer out of their ass, will it make them a million dollars ? Will they be filled with eternal bliss, knowing they found the answer to an age old question ? Who the fuck knows, but what I do know, is I have been thinking way to much as of late.

Being a naturally observant person, I have noticed a lot of changes in the world over the years. I have talked to friends I have not heard from in ages, and they are all sooooo different then they used to be. For the most part, I'am so proud of them, because they have done so much with their lives. They are doctors, lawyers, business people. They have great big houses, great big families, lots of money, and they are NOTHING like they used to be. Whether that's a good or bad thing, again, I don't fucking know, but the point is they have changed.

Even the newer friends in my life are pretty amazing. They have all become really great people, and its obvious they have progressed from point A to point B. I can tell by their stories, they are no longer the same people that they used to be. Oh boy, I know ya'll can see what's coming next. Well if you can't, here it is. What the FUCK happened to me ?

I' am still the same person that I have been since I was about 12 years old. I never fucking progressed at all. Well, that's not totally true. I did progress a little bit, only because state law mandates you have to either graduate high school, or get kicked the fuck out. So I opted to graduate high school, and go to the 13th grade (i.e. freshman year in college).

Talk about milking college for all it was god damn worth. I have 165 college credits !! I could have gotten a fucking masters with all of those fucking credits, and that's no fucking joke. So after all of that fucking school, I had to get a real job to pay some of those fucking loans off. Speaking of paying things, let me tell all of you something else. I soooo fucked my credit up with college credit cards, it makes me want to slap myself a thousand times over in the balls, with a fly swatter.

So I get a real job, which I still have, and I have not gotten anywhere. I always pictured myself being so suave and sophisticated when I grew up. A real mature guy, who reads the paper while smoking a pipe. A guy who talks about his stock portfolio with his friends, while playing bridge. A guy who can swirl wine in a glass, and tell you the vintage.

Well, I'm stuck like that poor bastard, who always seems to be eternally stuck, because his name rhymes with fuck. Yup, I'am stuck like that guy Chuck. I have not matured one god damn bit. I still watch reruns of the Power Rangers, and Scooby doo. The worst part is, I FUCKING hated Scooby Doo growing up. I would have rather watched old episodes of the stock market reports from the news, then watch fucking Scooby Doo. Those "meddling kids" were always solving mysteries, and running from zombies right ? Well, how come not one of those cock suckers ever asked this question "how did this fucking dog learn to talk, and why the fuck is he smarter than Shaggy"?

So anyway, I'am stuck right ? I still have shitty credit, and live in a fucking apartment. My biggest cooking skill, is the ability to add extra noodles to Hamburger Helper, without taking away from the taste. Half the time, I wipe my ass with napkins, because I forget to by more toilet paper at the store, cause my mom isn't here to do it for me anymore. I still play video games too. I lost my fucking mind last year, when my Playstation 2 broke.

The worst part of being stuck in yester year, is its a double edged sword. A part of me feels like an asshole, because I have amounted to pretty much nothing. The other half of me screams out "fuck it" ! I may not have everything I want, but I am kinda content with my life. Its pretty simple, and in this fucked up, complicated world, simple is good.

I guess the moral of the story is this. There are always gonna be people more successful than you, and less successful. Don't gauge your happiness by your possessions, but rather by your experiences. If you are happy with were you are at in life, that's all that truly matters. Live your life for you, and no one else. Cause in the end my friend, we are all gonna die, and we can't take any of our shit with us. So fuck your old buddy Jim, who now lives in a mansion. He's gonna die, just like your broke ass.

Have a nice day.

Be safe,

Ferg

Mike P seeks advice

2006-03-29T10:13:00.000-08:00

Hello my friends. As I stated in the very first day I started imparting my wisdom to ya'll, I am here for one reason, and that is you, the readers. Well, Mike P has sent us a question in regards to a problem he has been having with the ladies, and by god we are gonna help you Mikey. Mike wrote :"Hey Mike, all the girls which I like say they love me and crap, but they just don't wanna go out with me. Is there like anyway to change things ? I mean I've tried charming them, but it doesn't seem to work".

First off, let me say Mike, thanks for writing bro. I appreciate you taking the time out of your day, to read the stupid shit I write. Now, to get to your question, which is a good one may I add. Its funny you brought this question to me Mike, cause I was once like you. At one time in my life, I had a shit load of girl friends, and when I say friends, I mean friends. I'm talking not even a slip of the nip, nadda, nothing, zilcho...you get the point ?

I had loads of friends, guys and girls. I was always the funny guy at every party, and everyone loved to hang out with me. Girls would call me all hours of the day and night. Not to tell me they wanted me, but to cry on my shoulder about some ass hole they were in love with. It fucking sucked bro. Being the cool dude that I was, and I bet you are too, I would listen to every word they would tell me, and then give them some really good ideas on how to fix things.

The reality was, I wanted to tell them, the best part of the guy they wanted, ran down their guy's mom's throat. I didn't, however, and my list of loyal women "friends" grew and grew. I'll bet $20.00 bucks you can relate bro. Well after ages of what seemed like no pussy, and a massive califlower ear from all the phone calls, I told myself "enough is enough".

I was sick of being "friends" with all these hot chicks, and not hooking up when ANY of them. What kind of shit is that ? It would be one thing to hear all of this bitching, if I was at least getting laid, but like I said, ZILCHO. In your e-mail, you stated that you even tried charming them, and that didn't work. Well my brother, of course it didn't work, and I will tell you why.

I know this is gonna sound crazy, but girls, especially younger ones, like a challenge. Don't ask me why bro, because I honestly could not tell you. Women are a totally different breed, and thats all there is to it. They don't think like men, and thats probably a good thing, because they all would be lesbians. Myself for example, am just a lesbian trapped in a man's body, and you are too.

Not only do they like a challenge, but once you become friends with a girl, your done. You could be the hottest fucking guy in the universe, and it wouldn't matter. The "friend" label is the kiss of death for getting pussy bro. So there I was, the most popular guy I knew, and no pussy to show for it. Let me tell you bro, I was becoming one bitter bitch. Thats when it hit me. The philosophy which took me from being a perpetual monkey smacker, to a pussy getting mother fucker.

I call it the "distant but friendly" method. Let me explain it to you. For some reason, I am betting that your a pretty easy guy to talk to Mike, and that is a VERY GOOD thing. All the chicks you know dig you, cause you must be a cool guy, make no mistake about that. The problem is, because your so easy to talk too, they become afraid to hook up with you. It's a subconcious fear of losing you, if things don't work out. Plus, when your that easy to talk to, you are no longer a challenge. believe me bro, I only know this, cause I fucking lived it for years. My hands are still blisterd from the dry spell of of women I had.

What you need to do Mike, is be distant, but friendly. This will work on both the women you already know, and any new ones you may meet. I want you to still be the cool and funny guy you are, cause this is what gets the ladies attention. Now the tricky part. Don't appear to be over eager to hook up, even though you are. Still give the ladies complaments, but not near as many.

When the focus of their attention starts to turn towards them, or if they start talking about some other dudes, bail out of the conversation. Be polite, and don't make it look like your bailing out. Try changing the subject at first, and if that doesn't work, get the fuck outta there bro !! Your only heading for a pussy disaster if you stay in the conversation. Whatever reason you make up, use it without delay.

Lets say your trying to hook up with Suzy Q. You two meet, and she is a cool ass chick. You two start talking, and the conversation is really great. You talk about your favorite music, foods, blah blah blah. You start to tell each real personal shit. You tell her about your first wet dream, and she tells you about her first period, and stuff like that. This is not good Mike, and I am betting this is the type of guy your are. Believe me bro, I am not knocking you, because I was the same exact way.

Keep the conversations light bro. Keep them funny too. Don't try so hard to show them the really excellent guy I am sure you are. Let them find out for themselves. Keep the phone calls somewhat short, unless the girl tells you she really is starting to dig you. Don't ask them out, until they are drooling at your feet, and chomping at the bit to be with you. If they start to tell you about their old boyfriend nightmares, again, get out of that line of conversation bro. Also, don't seem like you are desperate, because your not. Your just a normal, horney dude, like the rest of us.

What you have just done by following this line of advise my friend, is you have now made yourself a challenge to the ladies. Unlike the assholes these stupid girls normally chase around, however, you are still a friendly and cool dude. This is what gets you ALL the pussy bro. You've now become the cool and funny challenge. The news of this will spread like wild fire too. Once one chick thinks your a cool and funny challenge, she'll tell two girl friends, who will tell two more girlfiends. Its kinda like the domino effect.

Unlike men, the crazy thing about women, is that when one girl tells another girl she likes you, the second chick will start to wonder about you. Even if she never thought about you before, once her girlf friend starts to talk about you, she will wonder what the other girl saw in you, and what she is missing, by not being with you. I don't know why it happens this way, but it really does.

Like I said before, you can use the "distant but friendly" method to get that hot new chick you just met, the five year friend, or even you ex-girlfriend you still are in love with. I know this advise sounds crazy Mike, but believe me, it will work. Mike, make sure you write me back, and keeo me posted.

Be safe,

ferg

I.D. that pussy...for real

2006-03-25T03:28:00.000-08:00

The story I am about to tell you is real. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. This is some serious shit, however, so listen up assholes, cause this could be you.

As you all know, or maybe don't know, I am the po-po in a major city. And if you haven't figured it out by now, I call it like I see it, good or bad. Well, something bad happened to a buddy of mine, and its fucking BULLSHIT.

In the apartment complex were I live, there is a neighbor I have gotten to know, and he is a really cool fucking dude. He is very straight laced and well mannered. Since the first day I met him, all he has ever talked about, is becoming a police officer. This fucking kid has never even gotten a traffic ticket. Even though he is only 21 years old, I respect him a lot. He is a fine young man, and his parents raised him right.

The complex I live in is HUGE, and there are a lot of hotties that live in my complex. The complex is so big, it has 5 separate pools. During the summer months, the pools become a meat market, with both girls and guys, putting on ther sexiest swim wear. The smell of Hawan Tropic lingers around the pool areas, well into the late afternoon.

Well my friend, who I will refer to as Schmuck, is walking past one of the pools, when this hot little number, whom I will refer to as Pig, calls him over. Pig and Schmuck have never met, but what happens next will change Schmuck's life forever.

Let me say right now, Pig is hot. She has a really cute body, a pretty face, the works. I betcha numerous guys have peeked out of their blinds while she was at the pool, and cranked one off. She is hot, and there's no way around it. Well, Pig asks Schmuck to come over to her house that night, to watch movies, and of course Schmuck says yes. Shit, who wouldn't ? This girl is fucking hotter than blast furnace with the gas jets wide open.

Well, Schmuck goes over to Pig's apartment. She lives with her sister, who is pretty fucking hot too, but she's not home. Pig's parents, whom are alive and kicking, live in the same part of town, and they have an on going relationship with Pig. Pig doesn't go to school, and lives with her sister, are you following me so far ?

Well, Pig is all over Schmuck's shit. She wants that wennie bad, and she isn't gonna stop till she gets it. Of course, as you have probably figured out, Schmuck got laid, big time. But, sadly for Schmuck, he got fucked too, and he still is. So, Schmuck has sex with Pig, and she obviously liked it, cause she called him repeatedly. Schmuck, on the other hand, figured Pig is a slut. Shit, she fucked him in a matter of hours, and she didn't even know him. Being a gentleman, he didn't tell her to fuck off, but instead just kept his distance.

A week later, Pig call's Schmuck on the phone, and invites him to her 17th birthday party. Oh fuck Schmuck, you kinda fucked up. Schmuck then applies to the Police department in the area were he fucked Pig. On the application, it asked if Schmuck had ever had sex with an under age girl, and if so, who was the person. Well, being the totally honest person he is, Schmuck puts "yes", and lists all of Pig's information.

Obviously, Schmuck didn't get hired, but boy did he get fucked. The Police department were he applied, called Pig. They had Pig come to the Police station, and give a sworn statement. They got Pig to press charges against Schmuck for statatory rape. Be advised, Pig is now 17 years old. The next thing you know, Schmuck is in the back of a patrol car, and getting booked into the county jail. Pig, what the fuck are you doing ? When did you become the victim of anything ? Are you fucking kidding me Pig ?

Talk about chicken shit. I've put a lot of people in jail in my time, and I have not put one person in jail, who didn't need to be there. How the fuck did the officers investigating this deal, have the fucking balls to actually get charges on him ? For fucking crying out loud, the girl was a week away from being 17 years old, lived away from home, didn't go to school, and looked like she was 20 years old. I don't know who the investigator was, but I'll tell you what, he must be one hard up mother fucker for an arrest. What an asshole. And yes, I would tell him that to his face. I rest easy when I go to sleep at night, knowing I only have arrested people that REALLY fucked up, and needed to be behind bars.

The moral of the story is this. There are a lot of young girls out there that look older then 18 years of age, but they aren't. Shit, even 13 year olds are dressing like little whoes, with parental consent. The sad part is that even these 13 year olds look like they are 20 years old, titties and all. So be advised guys, if that hot girl you are making all the right moves on looks old enough to fuck, she might not be. If there is ANY doubt, ask her for some I.D., birth certificate, or anything else that might verify her age.

No matter how hot she may look, there isn't a piece of ass alive, worth losing your freedom over, period. Schmuck's life is totally fucked, and will still be, even after he gets found innocent by a jury of his peers. My heart goes out to him, because he was basically arrested for being honest, an fucking a girl 7 days before she was considered "legal". Why the fuck would he think she WASN'T of legal age, considering all of the things I told ya'll ? Whatever the case may be, all I can tell you is this : don't be a Schmuck. Think before you plink.

be safe,

Ferg

Awww relationships...:)

2006-03-25T02:03:00.000-08:00

What the fuck just happened ? One minute I'm in a life time relationship, the next minute I'm packing shit, and throwing up. Yes my friends, I have stumbled back into familiar territory. A place I never thought I'd be again. Yup, the other half of me is gone, and I am...single.

Lets talk about this shall we ? Single life, oh how we reflect so fondly on it when we are in a serious relationship. We brag to our friends about all the pussy we got when we were single. We chuckle out loud about all the beer we drank, and how many times we threw up after one to many shots of tequila. The ole' apartment was just a swinging dick bachelor pad. Man, life was good...or at least you thought it was. Until you were single again.

Lets start with all that "pussy". Was the pussy really that plentiful or that good ? Lets be honest folks, "one night stance" sex sucks. You meet this drunk whoe in a bar, and she is hanging all over you sorry ass. She is hanging all over you, and it makes you feel good about yourself. You want to kiss her, but the smell of Jack Danials is so strong on her breath, your afraid if you light a cigarette near her, she will become a living blow torch. On top of that, she has been dancing all night, and somewhere mixed in with the smell of her sweat perfume, you could'a swore you smelled body order.

Ok, so now your sitting at the bar stool with drunk whoe, and she's giggling at your corny jokes. Next thing you hear is CLINK...CRASH !! Your fucking shoes are wet, and now you smell like Bud light, cause ole' drunk whoe just knocked a third bottle of that cheap ass shit off the fucking bar. Its ok though, cause your jokes are funny, and your gonna get pussy. Then without provocation, drunk whoe grabs your dick. "OH YEAH" the internal voice in your dick head screams ! Mmmm Hmmmm, Its looking good now.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, the lights flicker on and off in the bar, "last call" the sexy red headed bartender calls out. Its time to press your hand. You put on your sexiest look, and you TRY to look into her eyes. Try being the key fucking word here bro, cause ole' drunk whoe is sooo stinking drunk, she's swaying like a flag pole in a 60 mph wind. Trying to make eye contact with her is causing you motion sickness, but its ok, your gonna get pussy.

Its agreed, back to the swinging dick bachelor pad. You decide to leave her car at the bar, cause she is way to drunk. You pour her into your passenger seat, and its off you go. When you get back to your "pad", something hits you. Maybe its the alcohol, maybe you have suddenly grown up a pinch, but in an instant, you realize your apartment looks really fucking stupid.

You look around the room. A pyramid made of Coors light cans, 43 assorted pictures of girls in bikinis, 2 Star Wars posters, a Sponge Bob square pants clock, and a Dale Erndhardt #3 poster. What the fuck were you thinking ? Who decorated the "pad" ? A blind and retarded 8 year old ? And that 4 day old pot of Kraft macaroni and cheese still sitting on the electric stove is truly a master piece of class. Lucky, this girl is so drunk, she couldn't see a brick wall unless she walked into it.

You take her to your "crib". After 5 minutes of moving week old dirty laundry, you finally see what you call a sheet, but what others would call a large shop rag. Yup, there's your Scooby Doo bed sheets. The same sheets you had for 15 years. The same sheets you had your first wet dream on, and the same sheets you took from your mommie's house, cause you were to broke to by real ones.

Its 10 minutes later, and you and drunk whoe are totally naked. The two of you are rolling around like to pigs in mud. Your dick is as hard as a rock, and she wants it bad. TASTY TIME OUT! Gotta stop all the loving, for a little "jimmie" action. You try to act cool, but there is nothing cool about fumbling around trying to rip the condom wrapper open. Finally, with your right arm extended down on the bed, in a push up position, while above her, you rip the wrapper apart with your teeth, like a soldier in the heat of battle, pulling the hand grenade pin out with your teeth.

While your playing GI JOE with your Trojan, you look down at drunk whoe. Her head is slumped over to the right side of the pillow, with her lips slightly apart. There's a little puddle of slobber pooling up on your Scooby Doo pillow cover. Did she have a friggin' stroke ? Is this fucking bitch snoring ? So after 5 more minutes of shaking her, and calling out her name, she grunts, and her red, blood shot eyes roll open. Holly shit, her eyes are so blood shot, they look like two little road maps gazing at you. Its ok though, your gonna get some pussy.

So now the assault begins. You stab at her with your meat dagger, and she loves it. Well she loved all 30 seconds of it. "Fucking A", your brain shouts. "Why did I come so quick"? That's right my friend, the ole "30 second stranger" orgasm. We have all been there, and anyone who says they have not, is a fucking liar. The "stranger" happens whether you are excited or not. For the most part, it only happens with strange pussy too. Its like the nerve connections from your dick to your brain get severed, and you don't know how your dick is feeling, but your dick is ready to let it fly. And fly it does. Now your all embarrassed cause you came in under a minute, and even drunk whoe is looking at you like "Is that it"?

The moral of the story is this. Being in a relationship is sometimes a pain in the ass, there's no way around that. Yea, sometimes the sex gets a little dull, and lord knows they get on your nerves. With all of that said, there is something way cool about being comfortable. Comfortable only comes with time. Comfortable sex is great sex, cause you get to last more than 30 seconds, and even if you don't, its still ok.

Comfortable is waking up day after day to the same face, and knowing that even if the shit hits the fan, that face will still be there tomorrow. Comfortable is all of those cool little sex fantasy's you get to act out, without feeling stupid. Comfortable is knowing that the person you are with, already knows about your crazy family, and they still accept you.

Well, as for me, my comfort days are over. For those of you who daydream about the good ole single days, keep dreaming. In reality the good ole' days were nothing but a string of little nightmares that don't seem so bad know, cause your comfortable. Just remember, you can still go to any department store, and buy new Scooby Doo bed sheets, but the comfort of a relationship is priceless. I'll see you in the bed sheet isle.

333/000

Ferg

FW: I can see it happen

2006-03-19T05:59:00.000-08:00

I am a fucking nerd. There's no way around it. I am a nerd. I'm talking pocket protector and all. I never thought I was a nerd. As a matter of fact, I was actually pretty damn cool. Well, I was pretty damn cool, until three days ago. That's when my world came crashing down, like a demolition charged high rise. Yup, it happened to me. I am a fucking nerd.

This story actually starts about 15 years ago, and I should have saw it coming. Think back, all of you video game junkies of old. Remember the very first Nintendo system ? If you do, good. Now for those of you who do, did you ever play the game called Genghis Khan ? For those of you who have no fucking idea what I'am talking about, let me clue you in.

You are the leader of a great ancient land. You have to make all of the decisions for the country. You decide how much land to farm, natural resources to collect, when to sell shit at the market, how many houses to buy, and when to take the troops you have created to mother fucking war !! It was the shit, and I loved that game. My best friend Max and I would nearly fist fight each other over the fucking gray plastic controller with the pretty little red buttons, just to be the leader of the Nintendo cyberspace world.

Well, eventually that piece of shit Nintendo blew the fuck up. As hard as we tried, we couldn't find a replacement, cause the original game consul was off the market. Oh well, life goes on. Well, not totally, because I never forgot that game. I would often find myself thinking fondly about the countless hours sitting in front of the t.v., whipping the shit out of anything the 32 bit gaming system could send my way. I was the king, and no one could touch me.

So back to the present. I see my friend playing Age of Empires, and I made the huge mistake of asking him, "hey Israel, what's that game"? As soon as he began to tell me what the game was about, my hands began to twitch, and my palms got sweaty. After all of these years, I had found it. Maybe not the actual game, but something better. The game I loved, only with 21 century hardware. Hot shit, who say's you can't have your cake and eat it too !!!!

So its off to Wal-mart I go, at three in the fucking morning. I had to have this fucking game, and there was NO way around it. Once in the store, I made a mad dash to the computer section, like a fat kid rushing into a bakery. There it was, just begging me to play it. Then I saw the price, $49.98. Holy shit...nearly $50.00 fucking bucks, ouch. There's something else I forgot to tell ya'll, when it comes to me, I'am a cheap fucking bitch.

I must have read the back of every fucking game box in there to find something similar, but cheaper. Low and behold, I did. It's a game called Empire Earth 2, and it was only $29.98. Fuck it, it looks like the same game. That works for me. So I bought the fucking thing.

I load the fucking thing into the computer, and I start to play. The only way I can describe how I felt, was like this. Imagine getting back together with your first love, and finding out that not only do you still have the same feelings that you did, but she didn't gain 400 pounds, she looks hotter than ever, and she loves you too. It does not get any better than that, and it didn't get any better than this.

48hrs later, with no sleep, and 5 packs of marlboro light in the hole, I finally pulled myself away from the computer. It was tough, but my wrists were fucking killing me, and my legs were all cramped up from not moving them. I even ate at the fucking computer desk. How sad is that ?

As I was laying in bed, my thoughts drifted off to something I heard on the news last year. There was a story about a Korean guy playing that roll playing game, I think it was called ever quest, or something fucking silly like that. Well, after playing it, he quit his job, and never called his family. Believe it or not, he played one time for 136hrs straight. From what I read, he died of starvation. Talk about a video game junkie.

This young guy basically died for a fucking game. What a dork. I wouldn't die over pussy, never mind a fucking computer game. And this dude made the ultimate sacrifice for the game he loved. While I would never go to that extreme, I can see how it could happen. The shit is way to addicting.

I awoke only a few hours later, and BAM ! I was at it again. Not only was I neglecting all of my responsibilities, but even my buddy, the creator of myspaceboobs.com was asking me what the fuck happened to me. I had not looked at one porn picture in days, and he was worried about me. He was afraid I might be dead, or at least in a coma. I knew it was bad when I finally went to the store, and saw my fucking face on a carton of milk. I knew I was in trouble.

"Time to snap back to reality", I told myself. No more Empire anything. Thats it, nadda. I told myself I needed to go back and use my computer what I had originally gotten it for, checking my e-mail and internet porn. The next day I did not play the game at all. I even took a shower. "Good", I told myself, I was making progress. I smelled better, and I felt less crampy, because I was actually moving more than just my hands.

Like every other junkie, it took one minor set back, and I was back, declaring war on every nation in computer land. As I stayed up another 40 hrs straight, I felt like every other addict. I felt GREAT !!! By the 50th hr, my high was wearing off. I was getting tired, my hands hurt, and I had to shit sooo bad, I was literally sweating. I think its was those little beads of forehead sweat, that brought me back to reality.

I turned off the game, and vowed to never return. I knew I was lying to myself, just like every other addict, but I had to at least try to make myself feel better. After sleeping like the dead, I woke up and relized why peoeple become nerds, and I learned this from playing Empire earth.

The moral of the story is this. I consider myself some what normal. I am a confident person, and I have friends. If this type of game could get me going like that, imagine someone who has low self esteem, or few friends ? When your playing these types of games, you are in total control, and it really does feel good. You are almost like a cyber god. For people who feel like they have no control of their lives, these games fill the great big void in they have in their lives. Their lives become these games, and these games become their lives.

Does playing these game's make a person a nerd ? The answer is no. The nerd factor comes in, when these gammers play all day and night. They never leave their compters, and they buy pocket protectors. So just remember, to pace yoorself, and limt your tiime with the games.

Be safe,

Ferg

FW: Famous and heroes

2006-03-11T18:45:00.000-08:00

Why are famous people so fucking annoying ? Why are actors, singers, millionaires, always bitching about there privacy, the weather, and everything else under the fucking sun ? They constantly whine about the tabloids, the media, the police, and their addictions to drugs, alcohol...Lets rip these bitches apart, shall we ?

They usually start out as a bunch of nothings. Not much education, small towns, small minds. They usually have some really great looks, however, and that gets them to the "casting couch". A little fucky sucky, and then bam ! Their making a movie, or maybe a record. Their faces are then everywhere, and you can't get the fuck away from them, kinda like a piece of dog shit wedged in the grooves of your shoe. You can't even pick that shit out with a friggin' stick. Same thing with these fuckers.

So now they are making lots of money, because of you...their fans. For some reason unknown to me, because I couldn't give to shots of piss about these folks, everyone wants to know all about them. They want to see pictures, hear stories, and all kinds of crazy shit. Well, you know what that means ? It means I have to see more of these jerk offs, cause of stupid people's obsession with them.

The paparazzi follow them everywhere, only feeding the their egos. Pictures pop up all over the place. Pictures of them eating, sun bathing, shopping, shitting. So now little Suzie Superstar is all kinds of pissed, cause there are about three thousand pictures of her sucking Harry Hollywood's dick all over the internet. That doesn't piss her off, however, cause she fucked her way to the top anyway, she knows she's a slut, and you do too. Suzie is pissed off cause she didn't get paid for it, and it wasn't her idea.

An example of this is Madonna. Remember when Playboy published those photos she posed for, before she became famous ? Man, her pussy was in an uproar, she was PISSED OFF. She did it because she was struggling, that's what she said. I can buy that, I really can. Well, that Playboy issue sold like a fucking gazillion copies, and we all were amazed at how god damn hairy her fucking arm pits were.

So what happens next ? Well, obviously she was faking the whole indignant shit, cause I have seen that whoe naked more times than I can shake a dick at. Deep throating bottles, truth or dare, someone fucking kill me already. I can't stand that snatch. All of my friends are like "dude, I would so fuck her"...blah fucking blah.

Hello, that chick has seen more sausage than a butcher. I wouldn't fuck her if SHE paid me. Sorry guys, I get kinda nervous when I see a chick that should have the Mcdonalds sign tattooed on her pussy, "billions and billions served". Granted, I bet ya any microbiologist worth their salt would want that pussy... to study it. I bet its like a medical treasure trove, with all kinds of microbes and infections, never before documented by medical science.

Enough about Madonna. So on with the story. Lets look at things the way they really are. Why do we admirer famous movie stars ? Well, cause they are in the movies...duh. I know that, but lets really look at it. Movie stars are famous, because they portray people, or jobs that are exciting, dangerous, etc...Look at Bruce Willis in Die Hard...that was some cool ass fucking shit ! I love those movies. Same thing for Mel Gibson, the Lethal Weapon series of movies are the BOMB. This doesn't, however, make them REAL HEROES...ok ?

Actually, both of those famous actors appear to be pretty fucking cool. I've seen them in interviews, and they both seem pretty down to earth. That's not the point here. The point is they are not really risking their lives, or anything else. They are only ACTING. The bullets are not real, nor is the danger. This is Hollywood, and its all stories and illusions.

Same thing for singers. I've heard lots of rock ballads, about how how tough life is being on the road. The songs of how hard it is to be in a rock band, blah, blah, blah. How tough is it to get paid to travel all over the fucking world, make shit loads of money, bang hot chicks, and sing?

Are they fucking kidding me ?? Hey, I've been to smokinggun.com on the net, I have seen the list of whacked out shit these puss bags ask for. "10 bags of M&M's with all of the yellow ones removed", and stuff like that. How about I take all of those yellow M&M's and stick 'em in your fucking eyeballs you god damn sissies !!! What the fuck is that ??

And then a lot of these famous fucking singers write self promoting shit, talking about how "hard" they are, and how they kick ass. Hello, I could kick a lot of ass too, if I had 20 fucking big ass body guards to keep me from getting my ass kicked, after I sucker punched the smallest dude in the room. What a bunch of dick bags.

You want to know who I am a fan of ? I am a fan of one of my best friends in the world, who just served over a year in fucking Iraq. While I may not agree with the politics, my friend is a mother fucking HERO !!! Real bullets, real danger, real drama. I am a fan of the people I work with. Every night at roll call, we sit, getting ready to face what a major news paper has called "a battle zone". I look at the faces of these brave women and men, and I think "what the fuck are they doing here, and what the fuck am I doing here"? I also think about how proud I am to be able to say I know them. And how I would lay my life down for anyone of them.

The soldiers, the policemen, the fire fighters, the teachers. These are my heroes. I am their most loyal fan. The moral of the story is this. Famous people should be grateful of the praise, money, and devotion their fans give them. They get paid a shit load of money to get pampered, and treated like gods, because WE spend our money on them. Whether its on stage, or at the movies, these cum bags would be nothing with out us. They would be mere mortals, just like you and I, if we didn't elevate them to idol status. The biggest danger they face, is they might not sell a million records, or their movie might get two thumbs down. Fuck off, for real. And for the love of everything good, shut the fuck up. Enjoy the easy life you have been blessed with, and stop bitching. Ya'll knew that was part of being famous, BEFORE you were famous.

Be safe,

ferg

To regret or not regret

2006-03-06T06:29:00.000-08:00

Regret. The mere word conjures up images of, well, regret. What is regret, and why do we regret certain things we have done ? Hmm, well, that is the question of the day my children, so lets explore it, shall we ?

For starters, like anything else, there is most certainly levels of regret. And, believe it or not, regret is a multi sided issue. Here is just one example. There she is standing before you. She is so sweet and pretty, and she wants you oh so bad ! You have dreamed about this moment for so long, and like an amazing dream, its finally here. Screeeeeecchhh! Who the fuck just hit the brakes ??? Oh yea, that's right, you have girlfriend, and this little hottie ain't her.

But the girl standing before you is so friggin' hot, you figure she must be blind or stoned if she wants to hook up with you. With out a single doubt, you will never get this chance, with this girl again. But your girl friend has always been there for you, and she never lets you down. She is also very cute and charming, and all of your friends like her. She even likes fucking SPORTS !!! What to do, what to do ?

You have now just met multi sided regret. Or as my dear ole momma used to say, "your damned if you do, and your damned if you don't". If you stab this hot chick with your love harpoon, your gonna feel really shitty the next time your watching that Astro's game with your girl friend. Worse than that, you might even get fucking caught. Whew, now wouldn't that suck a fat dick ?

Well guess what, in this story, I am gonna make you open wide, cause here comes the dirty fat dick, and its aiming right for your mouth. Yup, you got caught. You feel like shit, your girl is throwing up in the bathroom , asking god over and over what did SHE do wrong. You look at those tear stained eyes, and man you feel like a god damn jack ass. You feel it don't you ? Yup, that's right, you feel REGRET.

Now, here's the other side of that REGRET. Lil missy hottie is down on her knees, just begging for a taste of you summer sausage. Her shirt is half undone, and there are beads of sweat running down her love pillows. OH GOD SHE WANTS YOU SO BAD !!!! As hard as your dick is, you just can't hurt lil miss ESPN. Nope, this hottie was a great jerk off fantasy, but you just can't bring yourself to fuck her. You walk away from her, and as your heading out the door, lil miss hottie asks you in the most sincere voice, "are you gay" ?

So off you go, actually feeling good about yourself, temptation looked you right in the eye, and you didn't even blink, you are the fucking man !! Still pumped up from the close encounter of a hot kind, you go see what lil miss ESPN is doing. Within five minutes, you two are fighting big time, over something not even closely related to you possibly cheating on her. "GET OUT", she yells, and off you go. Out the fucking door for the second time in one night.

Man you are steamed. "Fuck her, stupid bitch", you say to yourself. You passed up the fuck of a life time for what ? A fuck you would have been telling your grand kids about in 40 years. What the fuck were you thinking ? Ass like lil miss hottie comes along once in a life time, well maybe twice, but its fucking rare. And you passed it up for Tammy the tomboy...aka you girl friend. Now your regretting NOT fucking her. See, isn't this shit nuts when you really put some thought behind it ?

As they say in those fucking four in the morning infomercials. "but wait there's more". Lets say, you did fuck lil miss hottie like a runaway freight train, and you shot a nut all over lil miss hottie's caboose. Then you go to meet your girl. She never finds out, and you don't get caught. For some strange reason, you still feel regret. You can't put your finger on it, but you do. This is confusing the shit out of you, and its making you lose sleep. What the fuck is up ?

The answer is simple. Most normal human beings are hard wired to regret things we do, that we know are wrong. On the other hand, we are also hard wired to regret things that we don't do, especially if we really want to do something or someone really bad. Without regret, all of mankind would be one messed up colloge of unbridaled passion. Nothing would ever get done, cause we would be to busy fucking. We would still be in the fucking stone age, like the Flintstones.

You gotta admit though, Willma Flintstone is one sexy bitch. Actaully, Beatty is pretty fucking sweat too, I'd give that whoe some of my brountosaurus burger !!! I have no idea how she could ever fuck Barney Rubble, he is a fucking idiot. No wonder they had to adopt Bam Bam. Beatty just couldn't bring herself to fuck that tree trunk looking mother fucker. Wait a second, I am losing track here, gotta stay focused.

The moral of the story is this. There is no magic answer for regret. It is a nescessary evil we all must deal with. Just remeber this. If you do something that casues you regret, or somewhere down the road causes you regret, don't carry that heavy load for long. Let it go. I've seen so many people burdened down with regret, it not only slows them down, it brings them to a complete halt. That "somewhere" down the road of life, becomes a permanant place in the road, never to walk ahead. Kinda like the homelss guys under the freeway overpass.

Its your life, go live it, but don't regret it.

Ferg

My first wet dream

2006-03-04T09:21:00.000-08:00

The medical term is nocturnal emissions. The rest of the world calls it wet dreams. Whatever the name may be, the wet dream is a turning point in the life of every young boy. It is that magical moment in time, when a boy's acorns take the short journey from their abdomen, into their ball sack, and become a functioning part of their anatomy. According to ancient native american beliefs, this is when a man's brain travels from the big head, to the little head.

For some reason, I remember my wet dream like it just happened last night. And holly fuck was it crazy !!! I would hate for a head shrink to analyze it, because I'm pretty sure I would get committed to an insane asylum. Why don't you tell me what you think ? Here is the story of my first wet dream.

The dream took place in my parent's bedroom of all places. I walked into their bedroom, and there she stood. A really hot, short haired brunette. She stood about 5'4", with great C cup tits. Her nipples were to die for. Classic eraser heads, jutting from her firm and silky breasts. The best part was she was naked, hot, and wanting me !! Like I said, it was a DREAM, my dream, so of course she wanted me. I was the only one there.

She laid back on my parent's bed, and I got into the bed with her. We kissed, and I caressed her beautiful tits. My hands explored her body, like a 49er looking for gold nuggets. Her skin was soft, and her smell was so sweet. I could feel her warmth all over my body. This was fucking cooler than getting a new bike for my birthday. Fuck my star wars dolls, this was the shit.

The big moment came. I climbed on top of my dream girl, and felt my boy hood slip away, and my man hood slip in between her velvety inner thighs, to her wet and waiting pussy. Then, for reasons still unknown to me to this day, the strangest thing happened. Before I tell ya, let me give you a little history.

My best friend in the world was Kevin Feighery. Our favorite thing to do, was to play electric football. You know the game, were you put the plastic football players on the green bases. The football field is actually made of metal, and when you want to run a play, you have to turn the game on. The hold field buzzes loudly, and the players move along, motivated by the vibrating playing surface. We would play this fucking game everyday. Between the two of us, we had every NFL team, in home and away jerseys. We would even pour baby powder on the field, to simulate snow !! We had it going on. I loved that game, and I will challenge any one of you to a game to this very day....

Anyway, here I go, I'm just about to have my first dream sex, and low and behold, my dream girl disappears, and is replaced by an electric football field. I know your all thinking I am full of shit, but I swear to god that's the truth. I can't make this shit up. So now I wake up all hot and I am sweating like a fucking pig. I've got this ragging hard on, making a tighty whitey tee pee in my under pants, and I have to fucking pee.

I knew what had just happened, so I reached into my underwear and checked for any wet spots. Nope, none here. My underwear survived my first nocturnal hormone assault. So I walk to the bathroom, and drop my "close call" underwear to the ground, I gotta pee right ? I take my dick out, and aim it towards the bowl.

Nothing came out. Hmmm, for some reason, however, I felt the overwhelming urge to push. I don't know why, but I pushed down with my abdomen muscles, and let out a little grunt. They say time goes really slow during a traumatic event. This morning, I found out they were telling the truth. I had a traumatic event at this point in the story, and I remember it like it just happened, and every moment was like an eternity.

As I grunted, a big wad of gooey white stuff shot out of the tip of my dick, and flew in the air. Quickly gravity took hold of this Elmer's glue shooting out of my little pink fireman, and it landed right in the center of the toilet bowl. It kinda floated for a second, and then sank to the bottom of the toilet.

I knew what it was. It had FINALLY happened. I was now a MAN !! I got down on my knees, and stared at the massive ball of DNA sitting at the bottom of bowl. I sat there mesmerized. I looked and looked and looked. I couldn't take my eyes of it. This was a historic moment in my life, and I knew, even at that time, my life would never, ever be the same again.

I repeatedly tried to muster up the courage to flush the toilet, but I couldn't do it. What if it never happened again ? Would you want to flush away a piece of your personal history ? If your thinking I fished out my sperm ball from the grasp of the porcelain Davey Jone's locker, your wrong. After a half an hour, I flushed that giz ball. My free swimmers would spend the rest of their short lives, floating in piles of wet shit.

Needless to say, this was the first of thousands of wet dreams to come. Unlike this one, my underpants didn't fair so well during the numerous other wet dreams I had. The moral of the story is this, one boys dream girl, is anothers electric football field.

Be safe,

Ferg

Those were the days

2006-03-04T04:27:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, the teenage years. How often do we look back, and ponder how much we miss them. I hear it from my friends all the time. Well, being the man I'am, its time to debunk all of that fucking bullshit ! You think those days were so great, so wonderful ? Its time for me to jog the ole memory dome for ya'll.

Shit, there's so much material, where do I start ? Hmmm, lets start with ZITS! It happened to me around the time I was 12. I remember that first zit like it was yesterday. I went to bed, and everything was just fine. I even think I slept pretty well that night. Somewhere in the night, it got me. The Lord Of the Zit found my nose, like a blood hound looking for a murder suspect.

Oh my god !! What the fuck is it !! At first I thought is was my long lost co joined twin, finally making its presence known. Gotta go to school, oh man, oh man, what am I gonna do ? Thank god for band aids. So I slap this stupid fucking band aid across my nose. Looking back, it was probably this very zit, that gave someone the bright idea for those breath easy things ya see all of the pro football players wearing. The only problem was mine was a "my little pony" band aid.

My mom never had a problem getting things at discount prices, and it just so happened...So off I go to school, with a bunch of silly pink, yellow and blue ponies on my friggin' nose. Better then my twin waving to all my friends, right ? In my haste to get out the door, I forgot to bring a few extra, just in case.

Just in case happened at gym class. Oh yeah, we were playing floor hockey ! I loved fucking floor hockey. That has got to be the coolest fucking gym class game known to man. I'm running, shooting, passing, having a blast. Then it happened. All day, the other students had asked me why I was wearing a band aid with prancing ponies on my nose ? "Oh man, I got into a fight dude, got busted right across the nose". It looked gay, but sounded tuff. I figured the fight story would deflect some of the sissy factor of the my little ponies.

I shoot, I score !!!! Everyone looked at me in gym class, all at once. No, it wasn't for the great 30 foot slap shot I just took. I looked down on the ground, and there it was. All of those happy little silly ass ponies had leapt from my nose, to the hard wood floor. They were now looking up at me, laughing. I swear one of them even flipped me the hoof...

Blue balls, an affliction so horrid, it should have its own foundation. Jerry fucking Lewis shoulda said. "Fuck MS, more people suffer from blue balls", and suffer is an understatement. My first experience hit me like a baseball bat to the fucking nuts. My sisters friend came over, and yes she was a horny fucking teenager too. We must have made out for five, six hours. The whole time my dick was as hard as granite.

Well, after the marathon foreplay session, I drag myself, and my rock hard sweaty dick to bed. I almost escaped the pain, I almost fell asleep. It started with a little ache in my left nut. Then like an oil slick in Alaska, it spread to my right nut. Up to my abdomen, across my hips. someone call nine fucking one, one. I think I am dying !!!! The pain was so intense, it brought tears to my eyes. Looking back, I know I shoulda jerked off, but it was to late. Once that pain comes, not even cumming will stop it. That was the first of many bouts of the dreaded blue balls.

To make matters worse, being I really had no idea what was going on. I went and talked to my MOM !!!!! Being the angel that she was, she saved me the immediate embarrassment of punking me out about blue balls. She knew that I had blue balls, but she never said a word about it. She just told me to go to sleep, and I would be ok in the morning. As I left my parents bedroom, I heard a lourd burst of laughter coming from both my parents. They weren't laughing at me, were they ?

Here is just a small list of other diddies, to make you remember:

1) never getting laid

2)asking parents for money

3)bad hair cuts

4)school lunch

5)asking permission to go out

6)no car or drivers license

7)asshole jocks

8)homework

I could go on and on, but I am sure I have started a cascade of your own memories. Go on now, and reflect on these memories. Look back and smile. They are funny, and sad at the same time. Ya know what ? I miss them too, even the blue balls.

Be safe,

ferg

been tied up

2006-02-28T16:10:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know all of my new minions of readers are asking, "where the fuck is yesterdays piece". What happened asshole, you run out of stupid little stories, and fat girls with cookies ? Well, the answer is no, I have not. The fact of the matter is, like the rest of you, I have a real job.

I wish I could make enough money, imparting my great words of wisdom to ya'll, and not have to work a real job, but sadly this is not the case. So, with that being said, I promise ya'll that tomorrow, I will have a great piece for ya, cause I love ya'll so much.

I wish I could just bang out a piece for you right now, but I have been up for almost 24 hours, and I have to get my fat, sorry ass to bed, cause I gotta be at work by 10:00. Believe it or not, I put a lot of energy into my cute little diddies, and I would never write a shitty little piece, just to fill up a page (unless of course you count this hahahah:)

So tune in tomorrow :)

be safe

ferg

Passing the stupidity buck

2006-02-26T18:51:00.000-08:00

Watch out today world, my balls are as twisted as a hangman's noose. Why is it that everyone always wants to pass the stupidity buck ? Why is it that everyone wants to point fingers at everyone else, but themselves ? Its like a circle jerk of stupidity. All of these motherfuckers throwing stones, as they sit in their glass asylums. When does it stop ?

Lets look at the state of affairs in the fucked up world in which we live, shall we ? The Muslims are all fired up over a cartoon that depicts Mohammed and Muslims as being violent. And boy are they pissed off too. Hmmmm, if I were Muslim, how would I express myself ? How would I let the entire world know, that I was upset about such blasphemous claims ?

Oh, I've got an idea, lets just blow things up, set embassies on fire, and threaten the life of the cartoonist who created the cartoon piece. That'll show 'em. Lets show the world how stupid humanity can get, by allowing a fucking cartoon to be the catalyst for so much destruction. That will learn 'em. Can anyone say moronic ? Why the fuck would they do this ? Cartoonist-1, Muslims-0.

After the tragic events of 911, the whole nation was in shock. The good ole USA just got sucker punched right between the eyes, and man did it fucking hurt. Everyone knew things would never be the same again. The people of our great nation needed a reason. We wanted to know why such a dark day in our history had occurred.

We waited with baited breath, for our President to speak. There he grimly sat in the oval office. Clad in a black suit, with an American flag pin proudly displayed on his left lapel, he told all of us "they hate us for our freedom". The President then went on to talk about how the terrorists would do anything to destroy us, and our love of freedom.

"OK", I thought. Sounds kinda fucking silly to me, but hey, who am ? If that's what the President said, by all means, it must be the way it is. So, now what ? The leader of the free world just announced the reason why we were attacked so brutally was our love of freedom. The President also told us not to let the terrorists affect our way of life. "Shop till you drop", was the President's's battle cry !! We will change for no one. Sounds good to me, lets go to the fucking mall.

But change we did. You see, they did affect the way we live. The President accomplished with a pen, what the downing of two towers could not do.The President signed the Patriot act, giving the government the right to take away any and all freedoms granted by the US Constitution, if the government so chooses to do so. Hello, did I miss something, or did we all just get ass fucked with no Vaseline ? Terrorists-2, USA-0.

So off to war we go, hunting down Oasma and weapons of mass destruction. Oops, no Osama here, no weapons of mass destruction there. Suddenly, the USA is striking out like a straight guy at an all lesbian party. Time to shift gears, before we look like a bunch of idiots. Ok, we are in Iraq and Afghanistan to liberate both countries from the brutal dictatorships that were in control. Regimes that would torture and kill. Oh no, we can't have any of that.

So what do we do ? Oh, we start torturing the very people we are claiming to liberate. Boy, now that's original. What idiot thought that one up ? Probably the same fucking lame ass who came up with "they hate us because of our freedom". Like I said before, sounds kinda fucking silly to me. USA-0, Iraq and Afghanistan-0.

I rember when I was kid, I could sit out in the sun for a week, and not get a sun burn. No sir, maybe a good tan, but never burnt. I also remember, as a kid, we didn't have super hurricanes whipping the shit out us once a week. Killer foods, killer storms, tornados, acid rain, shit everyday llife is becoming more and more like a hollywood survival flick. Scientists from all over the world stated it as clear as crystal, GLOBAL WARMING.

No, no, no, you have got it all wrong my friend, there is no such thing as global warming. Its just a natrual process the earth follows every twenty thousand years or so. Take one guess who keeps throwing out that lamo excuse ?? You give up ? Thats right, its the same folks who brought you the imaginary energy crisis. This response to the issue of global warming has been brought to you by the fine scientists who work for Exxon-Moblie. The same folks who broke the record for the largest profits EVER made by a coperation. Yup, Exxon-Mobile made a proifit of 371 BILLION dollars in the year of 2005. Exxon-371 billion, the rest of the world-0.

I could go on and on...but there are just so many issues to cover. The moral of the story is this. Always look at the angle. Always look at who benifits from something and why. Even though we get bombarded by a shit load of information, its pretty easy to see what the truth and whats bullshit.

You see my friends, the stupidity buck usually gets passed, when someone is trying to draw attention away from the fucked up shit they do. People do it all of the time. Unless we start to stop the buck passing, we may not be fucked, but our children, and our grand children will be. Stop the insanity, stop the buck.

Be safe,

Ferg

I like my pain, and you should too

2006-02-25T04:24:00.000-08:00

How come almost everyone I know is on anti-depressants ? Why is it that millions and millions of people go to psychiatrists each year ? Everyone is always bitching and boo hooing about something. "My dad didn't love me enough", "I'm very sensitive", "no one cares about me"...enough already. I've got a phrase for all of you, "shut the fuck up" !!

What the fuck is going on as of late ? Why has humanity turned into a collective pool of fucking pussys ? Why do we always try to blame our "pain" for being assholes, cheaters,drunks, fuck ups...etc ? Our pain becomes the excuse for being all of these things. Usuallyafter we get caught being one of the assorted things I just listed, we suddenly have a "problem". "I need help", has become the battle cry this generation.

Thanks to the American medical association, you to can be a fucking useless jerk off, and not blame your self for it, because they have already scape goated you out ofit by classifying it as a "disease". Fucking A, ain't that special.

So now you have been diagnosed, and its time for the medication baby !! Society and the various producers of "legal" narcotics (giant pharmaceutical companies), have created just the pill for your "problem". They will help you with the pain, I swear they will. Take three of these, a day, and two of these before bed. Oh, don't forget to take five of these when you wake up.

Keep taking these for the rest of your life, and you'll be fine. Fine that is, until you fuck up again. Don't worry, they have a pill for that too. You just stay doped up, walking around like a mindless zombie. Its ok, we are in control. Are you feeling any pain ? No ? Good.

I think a good chunk of this problem is Oprah's fault. All of that feel good fucking horse shitshe started pushing many years ago, turned all of us into a bunch of blabbering, mind fucked idiots. She was then followed by the likes of Dr. Phil, and man was he not the nail in the proverbial coffin or what ?

I'm not saying Oprah is the reason why everyone is on Paxil, Lexapro, or one of the gazillion other assorted mind drugs out there. She was just the gate keeper, who let the world know "its ok to hurt, its not your fault". BAM !! Next thing you know, Prozac is the biggest selling drug...ever.

Now, every time I hear someone bitching I just want to shit my fucking pants. If it ever comes to the point where I actually really do shit my pants, I am gonna save them in the freezer. You watch, I really fucking will too. You know why ? Cause I am gonna save those shit filled drawers, and fly to Chicago. I'm gonna get on Google, and do a web search, to find out where she lives.When I do find her house, I'm gonna use the shit in my fucking undies like side walk chalk, and write in big brown letters, "you owe me five bucks for these fucking underpants".

The moral of the story is this. I like my pain. Whether it has been for the better or the worse, it has made me who I am today. I don't want to get rid of my pain. I actually need my pain, we all do. Pain is like the sculptor, and we are like the clay. Our pain shapes and molds us into the people we become. Without our pain, we would be nothing but shapeless lumps of clay.

The whole key to pain, is to use it like the teacher it really is. Let pain make you a stronger person, not weaker. Don't run from it, but embrace it. Turn it around, and use it to your advantage. Let it be a motivator to succeed, not an excuse to fail. Nor is it an excuse to become a slave to the pharmaceutical companies. Don't use your pain as a reason to become a mental midget. Pain isn't a free pass to slip out the side door of life.

I can't make it any easier for you then this. If it weren't for pain, how would you know not to touch the burning hot stove ? Without pain, we would become a world of charred handed mother fuckers, unable to pick things up, cause we would have nothing left for fingers, but crispy nubs. By allowing ourselves to try to push off, and blame our pain for things, we are not learning from the pain we experience. We get a little mental boo boo, and its right to the drug store, so we don't have to feel it anymore.

Society has become the proverbial "crispy nubs". Unless we toughen up as a whole, we will all be walking around with minds like "crispy nubs". Eventually, we will all be as useless as tits on a fucking bull, and that's a bunch of pussy ass horse shit. Don't be so fucking weak. Go talk to your friends, go unwind, go meditate, go exercise. But don't you dare cave in, and become like every other asshole, DON'T do that. Let that back bone grow, and be strong !!!!

I know it hurts, but its ok, YOUR in control. Don't forget it.

Be safe,

Ferg

Fat girls with cookies

2006-02-24T05:33:00.000-08:00

The story I am about to tell you is something we all can relate to.

We have all had a person in their lives like I am about to describe. You

might not ever had admitted it. It doesn't matter, cause I know it,

and so do you. My story happened in high school.

She was one of my best friends in the world. We talked on the phone for

hours on end. We laughed together, and we cried together. We did almost

everything together, including eat, and man could she fucking eat.

You see, she had a little bit of a weight problem. She wasn't obese, but

boy was she thick. Her face was beautiful, and her boobs were HUGE too.

She had great eyes, but boy she was thick. This was high school. I was

popular, and she was thick.

She was in love with me, but I would pretend like I didn't know. That

way I didn't have to deal with it. I loved her of course, but I couldn't allow

myself to be "in love" with her. It was high school, I was popular, and she

was thick.

We never talked about it. She didn't have the confidence to come right

out and tell me how she really felt. She knew she was thick too. We both

knew deep down inside, if the conversation about feelings came up, things

would never, could never be the same.

One of the coolest and most caring things anyone has ever done for me,

would occur with her on a daily basis. She knew I loved chocolate chip

cookies more than sex. I loved them so much, sometimes I would jerk off

holding a bag of chips O' hoy cookies, I loved them that much. Being my best

friend, she knew this.

She would meet me EVERY SINGLE MORNING before home room, with a

big bag of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. When I say fresh baked, I'm

talking so fresh, the fucking bag was hot to the touch, not just warm. She

did this every day for three years.

Half way through our senior year, something happened. Something that I still

have not recovered from. My best friend met someone, and they started dating.

HOW DARE SHE DO THAT !! She can't date anyone. She belongs to me.

At first everything was cool. We were still best friends. As the weeks went by,

the phone calls grew shorter. So did the time we spent together out of school.

She would tell me about the things THEY did together, and I hated to hear about

it. I don't know what bothered me more, them being together, or the fact it

bothered me.

Well, as you can probably guess, the cookie supply started to trickle down to

nothing. The daily visits to my locker were no more. We grew apart. The more

we grew apart, the more I realized I was in love with her, and her baking skills.

I tried to ignore these feelings, cause hey, it was high school, I was popular,

and she was thick.

We graduated, and we went our separate ways. She was gone, and I was never

to taste the chocolaty goodness of her fresh baked cookies again. I tried to fill

the void in my life with various store bought brands. I even went to several

different bakeries, but to no avail. Nothing could ever taste as good as her

cookies, and nothing probably ever will.

The moral of the story is simple. Never let other peoples opinions, or what you

think they might be, effect you. I never dated her, or allowed to let myself fall for

her, because I was afraid of what my peers would think. Don't lose out on a

life time of love, or cookies, because of what OTHER people may think. Its your

life, your love, and your cookies. Now go live it.

Be safe,

Ferg

You love what you want them to be

2006-02-24T04:40:00.000-08:00

We have all done it. There isn't a person alive who hasn't done it. Well, maybe there are a few people who haven't, but about 99% of the people in the world have done it, me included. Why we do it, I don't fucking know, but its such a self destructive thing, and it hurts like hell. You meet someone, and things go great for the first few dates. Wow, this is it, this is the one. You think about them day and night. Your heart beats out of your chest when you see them. Holly shit, I better drop a line to mom, this could be it!!! The search is over, or is it ?
You've been dating now for a good few months. Your head over heels,

and you think things are great. You just don't understand why your friends

hate your mate. You hear words like "lazy", "non-caring", "loser", "dick",

"bitch". Ahhh, they don't know what the fuck they are talking about.

They are just jealous. Its not one sided, its fifty fifty. Well, maybe sixty

forty, but hey, your in love. Love means sacrifice, right ?

You also don't understand why with all of this "love" going on, your moody

all of the time. You feel depressed when you should be happy. Your bank

account has shrunk like a dick in ice cold water. You get quickly irritated.

You become withdrawn, and you don't hang out with your friends anymore.

Does this sound familiar ?

You two used to be so far up each others asses, you needed a shoe horn to

be separated, but now its kinda different. Its not you, you still want the old

shoe horn to be an iatrical part of the relationship. Its them, or maybe it is you.

Its gotta be your fault.

Things seem distant as of late. You here "I'm going out my friends", more and

more. The more you feel things slipping down that scary slope, you decide to

double, NO triple your efforts. Its gotta be you right ? Maybe you have not

done enough, maybe this will fix things. This person is the GREATEST thing

EVER !!

After eight months to a year, it happens. You hear the magic phrase that

destroys you. It cuts your heart in half, and it shatters your very soul. "I think

we should see other people". You beg and plead, as if your life depended on it.

It doesn't matter though, does it ? They are gone. What did you do wrong ?

Did you not try hard enough ?

Lets cut to the chase, to the moral of the story. Yes my friend, you DID do

something VERY wrong. This doesn't make the relationship failure your

fault, it makes you human. You have just joined a huge fraternity of people

who have been hurt just like you, and me.

The mistake you made ? You loved what you wanted that person to be, not

what they were. You had an image somewhere deep in the recesses of your

mind, of what you thought that person would look like, be like etc...Then along

comes a-hole the heart eater, and your hooked like a large mouthed bass.

No matter what you did, it would not have mattered. Actually, you could have

done something. My mom always used to say "you can't love what you don't

respect". You see, when one person in the relationship does ALL of the giving,

without demanding anything in return, the other person starts to lose respect

for you. The other person might not realize this on a conscious level, but they do.

They start to push the boundaries more and more, kinda like a three year old

child does. The more they push, the more you give. The more you give, the

more they push. Its not just them, its all of us. Its just human nature, we push

things. The problem is, after awhile, even with all of your giving, they leave.

So, what now ? Learn from your mistakes. Next time don't be such a friggin'

push over. SET boundries, and draw a line in the sand. If that line gets crossed,

don't be a pussy. If it gets to that point, bail out, cause the plane is on fire, and

its going down. Remeber, love DOES NOT mean sacrafice, unless of course your

going to donate a kidney to the person you love, but organ donating is another

story.

Be safe,

Ferg

Make' em uncomfortable

2006-02-23T06:51:00.000-08:00

In this world there is a group of people I just can't stand. We all know them, and I know we all hate them. Hate, is not a word I use lightly, but these people really spark a fire up in my ass. The word I use to describe them, is the "comfy" class. This is a hideous group of people indeed. A group of people that must be turned into the "uncomfy" class, before they affect you, or someone you really love. We have all felt the sting of the "comfy" class. The most classic group of people in the "comfy" class are the "ATM'S". I call them the ATM'S, not because they GIVE money like an ATM, but they are ALWAYS TAKING MONEY. Usually this money is YOURS. The story is always the same "I get paid on Friday, I'll give it to you then". The problem is, they never tell you WHICH Friday. Being they leave themselves a lot of leeway by just saying "Friday", they could mean this Friday, next Friday, or the first Friday in the year 2025. Next in line are "the borrowers". The favorite line used by this group of dingleberrys is "I'll bring it back tomorrow". Well, for some reason, just like the title of the classic Frank Sinatra song "tomorrow never comes", it never comes for the stuff that gets borrowed neither. These folks purposely say tomorrow instead of lets say....Thursday, because then you can't call them a fucking liar when your shit doesn't come back. You lose, they win, case closed. Hey, lets not forget the "shit don't stinks". Theres always one in every group of friends or employees. This is the ego-testicle prick who thinks he/she is gods gift to beauty, brains...etc. And no, I did not mis-spell egotisticle, I ment to write ego-testicle. I could write a whole fucking novel about these a-holes, but the term is self explanitory. With out a doubt, the worst of the "comfy" class are the "put downs". These are the ones that always say mean shit, to make themselves feel better. It isn't bad enough these dick bags say mean shit that make people feel bad, but they usually pick the right moment in time, to bring a person down as far as they possibley can with one blow. Do you know why they do this ? Cause it just makes them feel good. A great example of this, is a great looking girl moves in next door. Boy is she pretty, and she seems really sweet too. You think she may like you. You catch her looking your way when you walk to your apartment. She always seems to go out of her way, to say hello to you. It takes you weeks to build up the courage to ask her out. The weekend is coming, and you know in your heart, its time. It is time to ask her to go out with you. You see her outside, at the mailbox. You dash into the bathroom, and with two quick squirts of cologne, you rush out the door. As you approach her, you can feel the sweat dripping down your neck. Your eyes meet, the words are almost there, but here comes ole' dick bag. You know it won't be good. "Is it me or did you gain about twenty pounds. Your looking pretty chubby". This same dick bag then turns his attention towards her, and with out a moments hesitation he says "what are you doing this weekend, I would love to take you to dinner". Strikes one, two, and three...your out. The morale of the story is this. If you allow it, the "comfy" class will run all over you. I have spent my entire life going after these assholes. Nothing makes me feel better, than chopping one of these jerk offs down to size. I know it will be hard for you at first, believe me it takes some time developing all of the one liners, and balls big enough to go head to head with these fuckers, but ooohhhh the satisfaction you'll get once you do. The reality is, you actually might be a little let down, because the "comfys" are quite easy to defeat. Its kinda like that really big guy that everyones afraid of, but because he has never had to fight, he doesn't know how. When that big fucker finally throws blows with someone, nine out of ten times, they get their heads handed to them on a silver plater. Just remember, when of these fuck heads feels "comfy" enough to ethier ask you for something, or hurt your feelings, by all means, feel "comfy" enough to tell them to fuck off and die. Be safe, Ferg

My lack of computer skills and Bon Jovi's Ass

2006-02-22T02:50:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying I truly apologize for the ugly way my piece posted yesterday. I don't know what the fuck happened, but I know part of the problem is me. You see, I am one computer illiterate mother fucker. I can't even get my playstation to work half the fucking time.
It really bothers me that I have been left in the emergency lane of the internet highway. Somebody please call me a tow truck. Again, I apologize. Now, to my next subject. Before I begin, let me tell ya'll a couple of things. First off, I am not gay. I have NEVER looked at a man, and thought "wow, I gotta get me some of that ass". I've never masturbated to pictures of Mel Gibson growing up, even though I will admit, I have gotten some pretty good stiffies looking at pics of that Beretta M-92 he used in the Lethal Weapon movies. Since this is a totally honest BLOG, I have to tell ya'll a little secret. I often go to eat over at the House of Pies restuarant on Westheimer. My favorite waiter there is a fella named Roland. He is a great guy, and he is a good friend. Sometimes, when I must look very tired to him, he comes over and rubs my shoulders, and man it feels good. Does that make me gay, admitting it feels good when another guy rubs my shoulders ? HEY, I didn't say it gave me a hard on !! Ya'll would like it too, gay or not. Roland
should quit his day job, and become a professional, he is that good. Now to Bon Jovi's ass. I went to the Bon Jovi concert last night, along with twenty five thousand other refugees from the 80's-90's. Talk about "BIG" hair. There were so many chicks there, sporting the 80's "BIG" hair, it made me feel like a teenager again. Regretfully, I must inform ya'll, there was something else there, and it chilled me to the bone. Something that I have no fucking idea how it got started, but for the love of god, what the fuck was someone thinking when they let "the beast" lose on the the world of hair ? Yes boys and girls, you know what I am talking about. Thats right, the "MULLET". I want everyone who reads this, to pass a little messege along to ANYONE they know, still wearing this most hidious of hair styles. Get a fucking hair cut. You look really retarded, and your friends make fun of you behind your back all of the time. If you think you
look cool, you don't. You look like an idiot. Whew, I got so fired up on the "MULLET", I lost track of Bon Jovi's ass. So I am at the show, and I had really good seats. I was close enough to the band to lob one of my plastic 12oz Miller light beer bottles at them, and nail 'em pretty fucking hard too may I add, but I didn't. Seated behind me, are these two really fine looking teenage girls, and they are going absolute ape shit over John Bon Jovi. They were jumping up
and down on the red, standard issue folding chairs, one usually finds in the floor section of arenas through out the country. Their skins tight shirts, were BARELY holding in the gift of firm, large, chesticles that god gave them....wait I'm losing track again, sorry. One of the girls yells to the other girl "I don't give a fuck how old he is, I would fuck his brains out, he is so fucking hot, look at that ass". Why I looked also, I will never know, but I did. There it was in all of its glory. John Bon Jovi's ass was so close to me, I could have given him a pinch, right on one of those tight little butt cheeks he is still sporting. I found myself thinking, "wow, that guys is in his forties, and he has a great ass". This made me ponder, about my ass. What went wrong ? Girls in school used
to tell me I had a nice ass. Man, I sure have not heard that in sooooo long. I made a decision, right on the floor of the arena. I was going to work on my ass. I wanted to have a tight ass again. I wanted an ass like Bon Jovi's. As the band played on through their long set, I couldn't stop thinking about my flabby ass. When did I let my ass go ? I never made a concious decesion to do it. My flabby ass kinda snuck up on me, kinda like a ninja or a sucker punch. I never saw it coming. As I grew more depressed over my flabby ass, Bon Jovi kept waiving his in my face, taunting me, as if he knew what I was thinking. If anyone ever asks him, he'll deny it, but he knew what he was doing. I think he even winked at me one time, as he looked over his right shoulder, and then down at his ass. The show finally ended, and my I was on fire. I was gonna fix my broken ass. I was gonna get a mebership to a fitness club, get a trainer, boy was I making plans. Sadly, those plans were born, and died on the floor of that arean. As I was getting ready to leave, I looked at the very large set of steep stairs that loomed before me. After what felt like four thousand stairs later, I relized why I had lost my ass. I lost my ass because unlike John "peter fucking pan" Bon Jovi, I am getting older by the minute. Not only did I leave my mullet back in the 80's, but I left my ass there too. After walking up those stairs, I made another decision : just like my mullet, my ass would have to be relagated to the 80's, never to return. Hopefully the "MULLET" will do the same thing.

The moral of this story is this. Accept yourself for what you have become. We often look back on the past, as if it was so fucking great, and always yern to go back. I have relized something as I have grown older, the "MULLET" sucked, and I never had a great ass, at its best, it was average.
be safe,
ferg

five seconds of squirt

2006-02-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

Why is it that everything a man does revolves around "five seconds of
squirt" ? Why is it that men go to such extremes for it ? We spend all of
our money, get into fights, sacrafice our families, and even get into
fucking wars over it ? I've pondered this question, and while I might not
know the answer, I sure as shit got an opinion about it.
You may ask yourself, "why the fuck is this idiot writing his first piece
about five seconds of squirt" , and what the fuck is he talking about ? The
answer my friend(s), is because men do some fucked up shit to achieve that
five seconds of extasy, when we bust a nut. In this world, we must decide
what is a priority, and what is just something that would be cool to do,
like fuck some hot, slutty chick.
Let me tell you a story. Think of all of the qualities you would want in a
woman, and mulitple them times a thousand. This was the only way to describe
this girl. She was totally hot, with long brown hair, steel gray eyes, a
beautiful smile, and a body to die for. And smart, man was this chick smart.
At the time, she was going to college, and gettiing great grades.
Her personality could light up the darkest night. She had a way about her,
and people were drawn to her by the droves. Men and women alike could not
help but like her. All of this, and not only was she not a slut, but about
one step away from saint hood ! The most important quality she had, however,
was she as was a loyal and devoted as she was beautiful.
So what happened you may ask ? Would anyone in there right mind loose this
woman, if this same woman loved them with all of her heart ? Only a man
would, a man looking for the Ole' dreaded "five seconds of squirt". And
only a man did.
Just like every other man, you see, this girl was great, but the "ass is
always greener" in the bedroom down the street, right ? Well, along comes
"bitcho the slut". Man was she hot, hot and slutty. Not nearly as hot as the
above described dream girl, but hot none the less. And lets be honest,
theres something really sexy about slutty girls.
Well "Bitcho" turns out to be a pretty good piece of ass, and boy is she a
"naughty little girl". Needless to say, that ass got tapped more times then
a keg at a frat party. The problem with all of that ass tappin', is that
women know when your spending you "five seconds" with someone else. "Dream
girl" knew too.
It took awhile, but she knew. So what do you think she did ? Did she say
"fuck off", "die", or just fucking leave your stupid sorry ass? Nope, not
even close. She begged like a child, for things to be OK. On fucking hands
and knees. Tear drops running down her precious face.
So heres the big moment, your in total control, your fucking this two bit
whoe, AND you got the girl of every mans dreams sobbing at the soles of your
dirty fucking feet. Ah, the control, the power, you are god right now, and
you like the feeling don't you ? You are king of the god damn world, you are
pumped ! Just llike the "five second squirt", this feeling won't last for
long neither, and boy you fucking know it.
Any rational man, with an ounce of a fucking brain, would have relized
that this is one of those "life moments". A fork in the road. Take the wrong
road, and it could affect your life FOREVER. So many thoughts are running
through your mind. Hmmm, that "five seconds of squirt", man it feels so good
with "Bitcho", and she does let me fuck her in the ass, but "Dream girl",
well she everything any man could want.
What happened you may ask, drum roll please asshole !! "Bitcho" the slut
won by a landslide !!! "Dreamgirl" went sobbing off into the darkness, only
to eventually make some lucky bastard, the happiest guy on the planet. And
what became of "Bitcho" ? Well, being the total fucking slut that she was,
she ran off and fucked half of the frat guys at her college, leaving you
like a chump. She went on to become what I like to refer to as a slutty
female Ceasar, getting stabbed over and over by the "frat boys" senate,
with their shrimpy meat daggers.
Gone was "Dream girl" forever, all for "five seconds of squirt". So whats
the moral of the story ? If you have something great in your life, hold it,
adore it, whorship it, and love it forvever. Don't let it go until time
takes it away, not your dick. Men, the reality of the deal is when we cum,
it lasts at most, five seconds. Don't let a life time with "Dream girl" slip
away for "five" seconds.

Be safe,
Ferg

My 1st entry

2006-02-20T21:39:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my world. I live in a world of shit. While many people in this world say they have "been there, done that", I pretty much have. One of the few things I have not done is this, share my views, thoughts, feelings etc..about life to a bunch of people I've never met.
Well, today starts another chapter of my life, and by the grace of the great man who founded this awesome site, myspaceboobs.com, your all welcome for the ride. Not only will I share my views, but being the great public servant that I am, I would like to assist you with your problems too.
So I want all of the many folks that visit this web sight, to take a minute or two away from their "boobs" time, and email us here at myspaceboobs.com. Ask me a question, and I'll tell you no lies. Ask me for some third person, out of the forest, away from the trees advise, and its all yours for free.
Anything from legal issues, relationship problems, and more. I am all yours like a freeby from a whoe! Now that we have gotten all of that out of the way, lets get crackin'. Tune in tomorrow for the start of something cool, big, wild etc...Lets shake the leaves off the fuckin' trees, have lots of fun, and by the grace of god, get laid.
Hooray for myspaceboobs.com

Be safe,
Mike...aka ferg