Awww relationships...:)

  What the fuck just happened ? One minute I'm in a life time relationship, the next minute I'm packing shit, and throwing up. Yes my friends, I have stumbled back into familiar territory. A place I never thought I'd be again. Yup, the other half of me is gone, and I am...single.

 

  Lets talk about this shall we ? Single life, oh how we reflect so fondly on it when we are in a serious relationship. We brag to our friends about all the pussy we got when we were single. We chuckle out loud about all the beer we drank, and how many times we threw up after one to many shots of tequila. The ole' apartment was just a swinging dick bachelor pad. Man, life was good...or at least you thought it was. Until you were single again.

 

  Lets start with all that "pussy". Was the pussy really that plentiful or that good ? Lets be honest folks, "one night stance" sex sucks. You meet this drunk whoe in a bar, and she is hanging all over you sorry ass. She is hanging all over you, and it makes you feel good about yourself. You want to kiss her, but the smell of Jack Danials is so strong on her breath, your afraid if you light a cigarette near her, she will become a living blow torch. On top of that, she has been dancing all night, and somewhere mixed in with the smell of her sweat perfume, you could'a swore you smelled body order.

 

  Ok, so now your sitting at the bar stool with drunk whoe, and she's giggling at your corny jokes. Next thing you hear is CLINK...CRASH !! Your fucking shoes are wet, and now you smell like Bud light, cause ole' drunk whoe just knocked a third bottle of that cheap ass shit off the fucking bar. Its ok though, cause your jokes are funny, and your gonna get pussy. Then without provocation, drunk whoe grabs your dick. "OH YEAH" the internal voice in your dick head screams ! Mmmm Hmmmm, Its looking good now.

 

  Finally, after what seems like an eternity, the lights flicker on and off in the bar, "last call" the sexy red headed bartender calls out. Its time to press your hand. You put on your sexiest look, and you TRY to look into her eyes. Try being the key fucking word here bro, cause ole' drunk whoe is sooo stinking drunk, she's swaying like a flag pole in a 60 mph wind. Trying to make eye contact with her is causing you motion sickness, but its ok, your gonna get pussy.

 

  Its agreed, back to the swinging dick bachelor pad. You decide to leave her car at the bar, cause she is way to drunk. You pour her into your passenger seat, and its off you go. When you get back to your "pad", something hits you. Maybe its the alcohol, maybe you have suddenly grown up a pinch, but in an instant, you realize your apartment looks really fucking stupid.

 

  You look around the room. A pyramid made of Coors light cans, 43 assorted pictures of girls in bikinis, 2 Star Wars posters, a Sponge Bob square pants clock, and a Dale Erndhardt #3 poster. What the fuck were you thinking ? Who decorated the "pad" ?  A blind and retarded 8 year old ? And that 4 day old pot of  Kraft macaroni and cheese still sitting on the electric stove is truly a master piece of class. Lucky, this girl is so drunk, she couldn't see a brick wall unless she walked into it.

 

  You take her to your "crib". After 5 minutes of moving week old dirty laundry, you finally see what you call a sheet, but what others would call a large shop rag. Yup, there's your Scooby Doo bed sheets. The same sheets you had for 15 years. The same sheets you had your first wet dream on, and the same sheets you took from your mommie's house, cause you were to broke to by real ones.

 

  Its 10 minutes later, and you and drunk whoe are totally naked. The two of you are rolling around like to pigs in mud. Your dick is as hard as a rock, and she wants it bad. TASTY TIME OUT! Gotta stop all the loving, for a little "jimmie" action. You try to act cool, but there is nothing cool about fumbling around trying to rip the condom wrapper open. Finally, with your right arm extended down on the bed, in a push up position, while above her, you rip the wrapper apart with your teeth, like a soldier in the heat of battle, pulling the hand grenade pin out with your teeth.

 

  While your playing GI JOE with your Trojan, you look down at drunk whoe. Her head is slumped over to the right side of the pillow, with her lips slightly apart. There's a little puddle of slobber pooling up on your Scooby Doo pillow cover. Did she have a friggin' stroke ? Is this fucking bitch snoring ? So after 5 more minutes of shaking her, and calling out her name, she grunts, and her red, blood shot eyes roll open. Holly shit, her eyes are so blood shot, they look like two little road maps gazing at you. Its ok though, your gonna get some pussy.

 

  So now the assault begins. You stab at her with your meat dagger, and she loves it. Well she loved all 30 seconds of it. "Fucking A", your brain shouts. "Why did I come so quick"? That's right my friend, the ole "30 second stranger" orgasm. We have all been there, and anyone who says they have not, is a fucking liar. The "stranger" happens whether you are excited or not. For the most part, it only happens with strange pussy too. Its like the nerve connections from your dick to your brain get severed, and you don't know how your dick is feeling, but your dick is ready to let it fly. And fly it does. Now your all embarrassed cause you came in under a minute, and even drunk whoe is looking at you like "Is that it"?

 

  The moral of the story is this. Being in a relationship is sometimes a pain in the ass, there's no way around that. Yea, sometimes the sex gets a little dull, and lord knows they get on your nerves. With all of that said, there is something way cool about being comfortable. Comfortable only comes with time. Comfortable sex is great sex, cause you get to last more than 30 seconds, and even if you don't, its still ok.

 

  Comfortable is waking up day after day to the same face, and knowing that even if the shit hits the fan, that face will still be there tomorrow. Comfortable is all of those cool little sex fantasy's you get to act out, without feeling stupid. Comfortable is knowing that the person you are with, already knows about your crazy family, and they still accept you.

 

  Well, as for me, my comfort days are over. For those of you who daydream about the good ole single days, keep dreaming. In reality the good ole' days were nothing but a string of little nightmares that don't seem so bad know, cause your comfortable. Just remember, you can still go to any department store, and buy new Scooby Doo bed sheets, but the comfort of a relationship is priceless. I'll see you in the bed sheet isle.

 

  333/000

  Ferg