FW: Stuck in a hole

What the fuck is wrong with me ? I found myself asking that question today. Of course, I only asked that question to myself, so does that count as a real question ? I don't really know the answer to that, maybe one of my loyal readers can answer that one, because I can't. Its kind of like that stupid philosophical question "If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one to hear it, does it really make a noise" ?

I guess the answer to both of those questions is "who really gives a fuck". If someone pops the answer out of their ass, will it make them a million dollars ? Will they be filled with eternal bliss, knowing they found the answer to an age old question ? Who the fuck knows, but what I do know, is I have been thinking way to much as of late.

Being a naturally observant person, I have noticed a lot of changes in the world over the years. I have talked to friends I have not heard from in ages, and they are all sooooo different then they used to be. For the most part, I'am so proud of them, because they have done so much with their lives. They are doctors, lawyers, business people. They have great big houses, great big families, lots of money, and they are NOTHING like they used to be. Whether that's a good or bad thing, again, I don't fucking know, but the point is they have changed.

Even the newer friends in my life are pretty amazing. They have all become really great people, and its obvious they have progressed from point A to point B. I can tell by their stories, they are no longer the same people that they used to be. Oh boy, I know ya'll can see what's coming next. Well if you can't, here it is. What the FUCK happened to me ?

I' am still the same person that I have been since I was about 12 years old. I never fucking progressed at all. Well, that's not totally true. I did progress a little bit, only because state law mandates you have to either graduate high school, or get kicked the fuck out. So I opted to graduate high school, and go to the 13th grade (i.e. freshman year in college).

Talk about milking college for all it was god damn worth. I have 165 college credits !! I could have gotten a fucking masters with all of those fucking credits, and that's no fucking joke. So after all of that fucking school, I had to get a real job to pay some of those fucking loans off. Speaking of paying things, let me tell all of you something else. I soooo fucked my credit up with college credit cards, it makes me want to slap myself a thousand times over in the balls, with a fly swatter.

So I get a real job, which I still have, and I have not gotten anywhere. I always pictured myself being so suave and sophisticated when I grew up. A real mature guy, who reads the paper while smoking a pipe. A guy who talks about his stock portfolio with his friends, while playing bridge. A guy who can swirl wine in a glass, and tell you the vintage.

Well, I'm stuck like that poor bastard, who always seems to be eternally stuck, because his name rhymes with fuck. Yup, I'am stuck like that guy Chuck. I have not matured one god damn bit. I still watch reruns of the Power Rangers, and Scooby doo. The worst part is, I FUCKING hated Scooby Doo growing up. I would have rather watched old episodes of the stock market reports from the news, then watch fucking Scooby Doo. Those "meddling kids" were always solving mysteries, and running from zombies right ? Well, how come not one of those cock suckers ever asked this question "how did this fucking dog learn to talk, and why the fuck is he smarter than Shaggy"?

So anyway, I'am stuck right ? I still have shitty credit, and live in a fucking apartment. My biggest cooking skill, is the ability to add extra noodles to Hamburger Helper, without taking away from the taste. Half the time, I wipe my ass with napkins, because I forget to by more toilet paper at the store, cause my mom isn't here to do it for me anymore. I still play video games too. I lost my fucking mind last year, when my Playstation 2 broke.

The worst part of being stuck in yester year, is its a double edged sword. A part of me feels like an asshole, because I have amounted to pretty much nothing. The other half of me screams out "fuck it" ! I may not have everything I want, but I am kinda content with my life. Its pretty simple, and in this fucked up, complicated world, simple is good.

I guess the moral of the story is this. There are always gonna be people more successful than you, and less successful. Don't gauge your happiness by your possessions, but rather by your experiences. If you are happy with were you are at in life, that's all that truly matters. Live your life for you, and no one else. Cause in the end my friend, we are all gonna die, and we can't take any of our shit with us. So fuck your old buddy Jim, who now lives in a mansion. He's gonna die, just like your broke ass.

Have a nice day.

Be safe,

Ferg

Mike P seeks advice

---

Hello my friends. As I stated in the very first day I started imparting my wisdom to ya'll, I am here for one reason, and that is you, the readers. Well, Mike P has sent us a question in regards to a problem he has been having with the ladies, and by god we are gonna help you Mikey. Mike wrote :"Hey Mike, all the girls which I like say they love me and crap, but they just don't wanna go out with me. Is there like anyway to change things ? I mean I've tried charming them, but it doesn't seem to work".

First off, let me say Mike, thanks for writing bro. I appreciate you taking the time out of your day, to read the stupid shit I write. Now, to get to your question, which is a good one may I add. Its funny you brought this question to me Mike, cause I was once like you. At one time in my life, I had a shit load of girl friends, and when I say friends, I mean friends. I'm talking not even a slip of the nip, nadda, nothing, zilcho...you get the point ?

I had loads of friends, guys and girls. I was always the funny guy at every party, and everyone loved to hang out with me. Girls would call me all hours of the day and night. Not to tell me they wanted me, but to cry on my shoulder about some ass hole they were in love with. It fucking sucked bro. Being the cool dude that I was, and I bet you are too, I would listen to every word they would tell me, and then give them some really good ideas on how to fix things.

The reality was, I wanted to tell them, the best part of the guy they wanted, ran down their guy's mom's throat. I didn't, however, and my list of loyal women "friends" grew and grew. I'll bet $20.00 bucks you can relate bro. Well after ages of what seemed like no pussy, and a massive califlower ear from all the phone calls, I told myself "enough is enough".

I was sick of being "friends" with all these hot chicks, and not hooking up when ANY of them. What kind of shit is that ? It would be one thing to hear all of this bitching, if I was at least getting laid, but like I said, ZILCHO. In your e-mail, you stated that you even tried charming them, and that didn't work. Well my brother, of course it didn't work, and I will tell you why.

I know this is gonna sound crazy, but girls, especially younger ones, like a challenge. Don't ask me why bro, because I honestly could not tell you. Women are a totally different breed, and thats all there is to it. They don't think like men, and thats probably a good thing, because they all would be lesbians. Myself for example, am just a lesbian trapped in a man's body, and you are too.

Not only do they like a challenge, but once you become friends with a girl, your done. You could be the hottest fucking guy in the universe, and it wouldn't matter. The "friend" label is the kiss of death for getting pussy bro. So there I was, the most popular guy I knew, and no pussy to show for it. Let me tell you bro, I was becoming one bitter bitch. Thats when it hit me. The philosophy which took me from being a perpetual monkey smacker, to a pussy getting mother fucker.

I call it the "distant but friendly" method. Let me explain it to you. For some reason, I am betting that your a pretty easy guy to talk to Mike, and that is a VERY GOOD thing. All the chicks you know dig you, cause you must be a cool guy, make no mistake about that. The problem is, because your so easy to talk too, they become afraid to hook up with you. It's a subconcious fear of losing you, if things don't work out. Plus, when your that easy to talk to, you are no longer a challenge. believe me bro, I only know this, cause I fucking lived it for years. My hands are still blisterd from the dry spell of of women I had.

What you need to do Mike, is be distant, but friendly. This will work on both the women you already know, and any new ones you may meet. I want you to still be the cool and funny guy you are, cause this is what gets the ladies attention. Now the tricky part. Don't appear to be over eager to hook up, even though you are. Still give the ladies complaments, but not near as many.

When the focus of their attention starts to turn towards them, or if they start talking about some other dudes, bail out of the conversation. Be polite, and don't make it look like your bailing out. Try changing the subject at first, and if that doesn't work, get the fuck outta there bro !! Your only heading for a pussy disaster if you stay in the conversation. Whatever reason you make up, use it without delay.

Lets say your trying to hook up with Suzy Q. You two meet, and she is a cool ass chick. You two start talking, and the conversation is really great. You talk about your favorite music, foods, blah blah blah. You start to tell each real personal shit. You tell her about your first wet dream, and she tells you about her first period, and stuff like that. This is not good Mike, and I am betting this is the type of guy your are. Believe me bro, I am not knocking you, because I was the same exact way.

Keep the conversations light bro. Keep them funny too. Don't try so hard to show them the really excellent guy I am sure you are. Let them find out for themselves. Keep the phone calls somewhat short, unless the girl tells you she really is starting to dig you. Don't ask them out, until they are drooling at your feet, and chomping at the bit to be with you. If they start to tell you about their old boyfriend nightmares, again, get out of that line of conversation bro. Also, don't seem like you are desperate, because your not. Your just a normal, horney dude, like the rest of us.

What you have just done by following this line of advise my friend, is you have now made yourself a challenge to the ladies. Unlike the assholes these stupid girls normally chase around, however, you are still a friendly and cool dude. This is what gets you ALL the pussy bro. You've now become the cool and funny challenge. The news of this will spread like wild fire too. Once one chick thinks your a cool and funny challenge, she'll tell two girl friends, who will tell two more girlfiends. Its kinda like the domino effect.

Unlike men, the crazy thing about women, is that when one girl tells another girl she likes you, the second chick will start to wonder about you. Even if she never thought about you before, once her girlf friend starts to talk about you, she will wonder what the other girl saw in you, and what she is missing, by not being with you. I don't know why it happens this way, but it really does.

Like I said before, you can use the "distant but friendly" method to get that hot new chick you just met, the five year friend, or even you ex-girlfriend you still are in love with. I know this advise sounds crazy Mike, but believe me, it will work. Mike, make sure you write me back, and keeo me posted.

Be safe,

ferg

I.D. that pussy...for real

  The story I am about to tell you is real. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. This is some serious shit, however, so listen up assholes, cause this could be you.

 

  As you all know, or maybe don't know, I am the po-po in a major city. And if you haven't figured it out by now, I call it like I see it, good or bad. Well, something bad happened to a buddy of mine, and its fucking BULLSHIT.

 

  In the apartment complex were I live, there is a neighbor I have gotten to know, and he is a really cool fucking dude. He is very straight laced and well mannered. Since the first day I met him, all he has ever talked about, is becoming a police officer. This fucking kid has never even gotten a traffic ticket. Even though he is only 21 years old, I respect him a lot. He is a fine young man, and his parents raised him right.

 

  The complex I live in is HUGE, and there are a lot of hotties that live in my complex. The complex is so big, it has 5 separate pools. During the summer months, the pools become a meat market, with both girls and guys, putting on ther sexiest swim wear. The smell of Hawan Tropic lingers around the pool areas, well into the late afternoon.

 

  Well my friend, who I will refer to as Schmuck, is walking past one of the pools, when this hot little number, whom I will refer to as Pig, calls him over. Pig and Schmuck have never met, but what happens next will change Schmuck's life forever.

 

  Let me say right now, Pig is hot. She has a really cute body, a pretty face, the works. I betcha numerous guys have peeked out of their blinds while she was at the pool, and cranked one off. She is hot, and there's no way around it. Well, Pig asks Schmuck to come over to her house that night, to watch movies, and of course Schmuck says yes. Shit, who wouldn't ? This girl is fucking hotter than blast furnace with the gas jets wide open.

 

  Well, Schmuck goes over to Pig's apartment. She lives with her sister, who is pretty fucking hot too, but she's not home. Pig's parents, whom are alive and kicking, live in the same part of town, and they have an on going relationship with Pig. Pig doesn't go to school, and lives with her sister, are you following me so far ?

 

  Well, Pig is all over Schmuck's shit. She wants that wennie bad, and she isn't gonna stop till she gets it. Of course, as you have probably figured out, Schmuck got laid, big time. But, sadly for Schmuck, he got fucked too, and he still is. So, Schmuck has sex with Pig, and she obviously liked it, cause she called him repeatedly. Schmuck, on the other hand, figured Pig is a slut. Shit, she fucked him in a matter of hours, and she didn't even know him. Being a gentleman, he didn't tell her to fuck off, but instead just kept his distance.

 

  A week later, Pig call's Schmuck on the phone, and invites him to her 17th birthday party. Oh fuck Schmuck, you kinda fucked up. Schmuck then applies to the Police department in the area were he fucked Pig. On the application, it asked if Schmuck had ever had sex with an under age girl, and if so, who was the person. Well, being the totally honest person he is, Schmuck puts "yes", and lists all of Pig's information.

 

  Obviously, Schmuck didn't get hired, but boy did he get fucked. The Police department were he applied, called Pig. They had Pig come to the Police station, and give a sworn statement. They got Pig to press charges against Schmuck for statatory rape. Be advised, Pig is now 17 years old. The next thing you know, Schmuck is in the back of a patrol car, and getting booked into the county jail. Pig, what the fuck are you doing ? When did you become the victim of anything ? Are you fucking kidding me Pig ?

 

  Talk about chicken shit. I've put a lot of people in jail in my time, and I have not put one person in jail, who didn't need to be there. How the fuck did the officers investigating this deal, have the fucking balls to actually get charges on him ? For fucking crying out loud, the girl was a week away from being 17 years old, lived away from home, didn't go to school, and looked like she was 20 years old. I don't know who the investigator was, but I'll tell you what, he must be one hard up mother fucker for an arrest. What an asshole. And yes, I would tell him that to his face. I rest easy when I go to sleep at night, knowing I only have arrested people that REALLY fucked up, and needed to be behind bars.

 

  The moral of the story is this. There are a lot of young girls out there that look older then 18 years of age, but they aren't. Shit, even 13 year olds are dressing like little whoes, with parental consent. The sad part is that even these 13 year olds look like they are 20 years old, titties and all. So be advised guys, if that hot girl you are making all the right moves on looks old enough to fuck, she might not be. If there is ANY doubt, ask her for some I.D., birth certificate, or anything else that might verify her age.

 

  No matter how hot she may look, there isn't a piece of ass alive, worth losing your freedom over, period. Schmuck's life is totally fucked, and will still be, even after he gets found innocent by a jury of his peers. My heart goes out to him, because he was basically arrested for being honest, an fucking a girl 7 days before she was considered "legal". Why the fuck would he think she WASN'T of legal age, considering all of the things I told ya'll ? Whatever the case may be, all I can tell you is this : don't be a Schmuck. Think before you plink.

 

  be safe,

  Ferg

 

 

 

 

Awww relationships...:)

  What the fuck just happened ? One minute I'm in a life time relationship, the next minute I'm packing shit, and throwing up. Yes my friends, I have stumbled back into familiar territory. A place I never thought I'd be again. Yup, the other half of me is gone, and I am...single.

 

  Lets talk about this shall we ? Single life, oh how we reflect so fondly on it when we are in a serious relationship. We brag to our friends about all the pussy we got when we were single. We chuckle out loud about all the beer we drank, and how many times we threw up after one to many shots of tequila. The ole' apartment was just a swinging dick bachelor pad. Man, life was good...or at least you thought it was. Until you were single again.

 

  Lets start with all that "pussy". Was the pussy really that plentiful or that good ? Lets be honest folks, "one night stance" sex sucks. You meet this drunk whoe in a bar, and she is hanging all over you sorry ass. She is hanging all over you, and it makes you feel good about yourself. You want to kiss her, but the smell of Jack Danials is so strong on her breath, your afraid if you light a cigarette near her, she will become a living blow torch. On top of that, she has been dancing all night, and somewhere mixed in with the smell of her sweat perfume, you could'a swore you smelled body order.

 

  Ok, so now your sitting at the bar stool with drunk whoe, and she's giggling at your corny jokes. Next thing you hear is CLINK...CRASH !! Your fucking shoes are wet, and now you smell like Bud light, cause ole' drunk whoe just knocked a third bottle of that cheap ass shit off the fucking bar. Its ok though, cause your jokes are funny, and your gonna get pussy. Then without provocation, drunk whoe grabs your dick. "OH YEAH" the internal voice in your dick head screams ! Mmmm Hmmmm, Its looking good now.

 

  Finally, after what seems like an eternity, the lights flicker on and off in the bar, "last call" the sexy red headed bartender calls out. Its time to press your hand. You put on your sexiest look, and you TRY to look into her eyes. Try being the key fucking word here bro, cause ole' drunk whoe is sooo stinking drunk, she's swaying like a flag pole in a 60 mph wind. Trying to make eye contact with her is causing you motion sickness, but its ok, your gonna get pussy.

 

  Its agreed, back to the swinging dick bachelor pad. You decide to leave her car at the bar, cause she is way to drunk. You pour her into your passenger seat, and its off you go. When you get back to your "pad", something hits you. Maybe its the alcohol, maybe you have suddenly grown up a pinch, but in an instant, you realize your apartment looks really fucking stupid.

 

  You look around the room. A pyramid made of Coors light cans, 43 assorted pictures of girls in bikinis, 2 Star Wars posters, a Sponge Bob square pants clock, and a Dale Erndhardt #3 poster. What the fuck were you thinking ? Who decorated the "pad" ?  A blind and retarded 8 year old ? And that 4 day old pot of  Kraft macaroni and cheese still sitting on the electric stove is truly a master piece of class. Lucky, this girl is so drunk, she couldn't see a brick wall unless she walked into it.

 

  You take her to your "crib". After 5 minutes of moving week old dirty laundry, you finally see what you call a sheet, but what others would call a large shop rag. Yup, there's your Scooby Doo bed sheets. The same sheets you had for 15 years. The same sheets you had your first wet dream on, and the same sheets you took from your mommie's house, cause you were to broke to by real ones.

 

  Its 10 minutes later, and you and drunk whoe are totally naked. The two of you are rolling around like to pigs in mud. Your dick is as hard as a rock, and she wants it bad. TASTY TIME OUT! Gotta stop all the loving, for a little "jimmie" action. You try to act cool, but there is nothing cool about fumbling around trying to rip the condom wrapper open. Finally, with your right arm extended down on the bed, in a push up position, while above her, you rip the wrapper apart with your teeth, like a soldier in the heat of battle, pulling the hand grenade pin out with your teeth.

 

  While your playing GI JOE with your Trojan, you look down at drunk whoe. Her head is slumped over to the right side of the pillow, with her lips slightly apart. There's a little puddle of slobber pooling up on your Scooby Doo pillow cover. Did she have a friggin' stroke ? Is this fucking bitch snoring ? So after 5 more minutes of shaking her, and calling out her name, she grunts, and her red, blood shot eyes roll open. Holly shit, her eyes are so blood shot, they look like two little road maps gazing at you. Its ok though, your gonna get some pussy.

 

  So now the assault begins. You stab at her with your meat dagger, and she loves it. Well she loved all 30 seconds of it. "Fucking A", your brain shouts. "Why did I come so quick"? That's right my friend, the ole "30 second stranger" orgasm. We have all been there, and anyone who says they have not, is a fucking liar. The "stranger" happens whether you are excited or not. For the most part, it only happens with strange pussy too. Its like the nerve connections from your dick to your brain get severed, and you don't know how your dick is feeling, but your dick is ready to let it fly. And fly it does. Now your all embarrassed cause you came in under a minute, and even drunk whoe is looking at you like "Is that it"?

 

  The moral of the story is this. Being in a relationship is sometimes a pain in the ass, there's no way around that. Yea, sometimes the sex gets a little dull, and lord knows they get on your nerves. With all of that said, there is something way cool about being comfortable. Comfortable only comes with time. Comfortable sex is great sex, cause you get to last more than 30 seconds, and even if you don't, its still ok.

 

  Comfortable is waking up day after day to the same face, and knowing that even if the shit hits the fan, that face will still be there tomorrow. Comfortable is all of those cool little sex fantasy's you get to act out, without feeling stupid. Comfortable is knowing that the person you are with, already knows about your crazy family, and they still accept you.

 

  Well, as for me, my comfort days are over. For those of you who daydream about the good ole single days, keep dreaming. In reality the good ole' days were nothing but a string of little nightmares that don't seem so bad know, cause your comfortable. Just remember, you can still go to any department store, and buy new Scooby Doo bed sheets, but the comfort of a relationship is priceless. I'll see you in the bed sheet isle.

 

  333/000

  Ferg

 

 

 

 

 

 

FW: I can see it happen

---

  I am a fucking nerd. There's no way around it. I am a nerd. I'm talking pocket protector and all. I never thought I was a nerd. As a matter of fact, I was actually pretty damn cool. Well,  I was pretty damn cool, until three days ago. That's when my world came crashing down, like a demolition charged high rise. Yup, it happened to me. I am a fucking nerd.

 

  This story actually starts about 15 years ago, and I should have saw it coming. Think back, all of you video game junkies of old. Remember the very first Nintendo system ? If you do, good. Now for those of you who do, did you ever play the game called Genghis Khan ? For those of you who have no fucking idea what I'am talking about, let me clue you in.

 

  You are the leader of a great ancient land. You have to make all of the decisions for the country. You decide how much land to farm, natural resources to collect, when to sell shit at the market, how many houses to buy, and when to take the  troops you have created to mother fucking war !! It was the shit, and I loved that game. My best friend Max and I would nearly fist fight each other over the fucking gray plastic controller with the pretty little red buttons, just to be the leader of the Nintendo cyberspace world.

 

  Well, eventually that piece of shit Nintendo blew the fuck up. As hard as we tried, we couldn't find a replacement, cause the original game consul was off the market. Oh well, life goes on. Well, not totally, because I never forgot that game. I would often find myself thinking fondly about the countless hours sitting in front of the t.v., whipping the shit out of anything the 32 bit gaming system could send my way. I was the king, and no one could touch me.

 

  So back to the present. I see my friend playing Age of Empires, and I made the huge mistake of asking him, "hey Israel, what's that game"?  As soon as he began to tell me what the game was about, my hands began to twitch, and my palms got sweaty. After all of these years, I had found it. Maybe not the actual game, but something  better. The game I loved, only with 21 century hardware. Hot shit, who say's you can't have your cake and eat it too !!!!

 

  So its off to Wal-mart I go, at three in the fucking  morning. I had to have this fucking game, and there was NO way around it. Once in the store, I made a mad dash to the computer section, like a fat kid rushing into a bakery. There it was, just begging me to play it. Then I saw the price, $49.98. Holy shit...nearly $50.00 fucking bucks, ouch. There's something else I forgot to tell ya'll, when it comes to me, I'am a cheap fucking bitch.

 

  I must have read the back of every fucking game box in there to find something similar, but cheaper. Low and behold, I did. It's a game called Empire Earth 2, and it was only $29.98. Fuck it, it looks like the same game. That works for me. So I bought the fucking thing.

 

  I load the fucking thing into the computer, and I start to play. The only way I can describe how I felt, was like this. Imagine getting back together with your first love, and finding out that not only do you still have the same feelings that you did, but she didn't gain 400 pounds, she looks hotter than ever, and she loves you too. It does not get any better than that, and it didn't get any better than this.

 

  48hrs later, with no sleep, and 5 packs of marlboro light in the hole, I finally pulled myself away from the computer. It was tough, but my wrists were fucking killing me, and my legs were all cramped up from not moving them. I even ate at the fucking computer desk. How sad is that ?

 

  As I was laying in bed, my thoughts drifted off to something I heard on the news last year. There was a story about a Korean guy playing that roll playing game, I think it was called ever quest, or something fucking silly like that. Well, after playing it, he quit his job, and never called his family. Believe it or not, he played one time for 136hrs straight. From what I read, he died of starvation. Talk about a video game junkie.

 

  This young guy basically died for a fucking game. What a dork. I wouldn't die over pussy, never mind a fucking computer game. And this dude made the ultimate sacrifice for the game he loved. While I would never go to that extreme, I can see how it could happen. The shit is way to addicting.

 

  I awoke only a few hours later, and BAM ! I was at it again. Not only was I neglecting all of my responsibilities, but even my buddy, the creator of myspaceboobs.com was asking me what the fuck happened to me. I had not looked at one porn picture in days, and he was worried about me. He was afraid I might be dead, or at least in a coma. I knew it was bad when I finally went to the store, and saw my fucking face on a carton of milk. I knew I was in trouble.

 

  "Time to snap back to reality", I told myself. No more Empire anything. Thats it, nadda. I told myself I needed to go back and use my computer what I had originally gotten it for, checking my e-mail and internet porn. The next day I did not play the game at all. I even took a shower. "Good", I told myself, I was making progress. I smelled better, and I felt less crampy, because I was actually moving more than just my hands.

 

  Like every other junkie, it took one minor set back, and I was back, declaring war on every nation in computer land. As I stayed up another 40 hrs straight, I felt like every other addict. I felt GREAT !!! By the 50th hr, my high was wearing off. I was getting tired, my hands hurt, and I had to shit sooo bad, I was literally sweating. I think its was those little beads of forehead sweat, that brought me back to reality.

 

  I turned off the game, and vowed to never return. I knew I was lying to myself, just like every other addict, but I had to at least try to make myself feel better. After sleeping like the dead, I woke up and relized why peoeple become nerds, and I learned this from playing Empire earth.

 

  The moral of the story is this. I consider myself some what normal. I am a confident person, and I have friends. If this type of game could get me going like that, imagine someone who has low self esteem, or few friends ? When your playing these types of games, you are in total control, and it really does feel good. You are almost like a cyber god. For people who feel like they have no control of their lives, these games fill the great big void in they have in their lives. Their lives become these games, and these games become their lives.

 

  Does playing these game's make a person a nerd ? The answer is no. The nerd factor comes in, when these gammers  play all day and night. They never leave their compters, and they buy pocket protectors. So just remember, to pace yoorself, and  limt your tiime with the games.

 

 

 Be safe,

  Ferg

 

 

   

 

 

FW: Famous and heroes

---

  Why are famous people so fucking annoying ? Why are actors, singers, millionaires, always bitching about there privacy, the weather, and everything else under the fucking sun ? They constantly whine about the tabloids, the media, the police, and their addictions to drugs, alcohol...Lets rip these bitches apart, shall we ?

 

  They usually start out as a bunch of nothings. Not much education, small towns, small minds. They usually have some really great looks, however, and that gets them to the "casting couch". A little fucky sucky, and then bam ! Their making a movie, or maybe a record. Their faces are then everywhere, and you can't get the fuck away from them, kinda like a piece of dog shit wedged in the grooves of your shoe. You can't even pick that shit out with a friggin' stick. Same thing with these fuckers.

 

  So now they are making lots of money, because of you...their fans. For some reason unknown to me, because I couldn't give to shots of piss about these folks, everyone wants to know all about them. They want to see pictures, hear stories, and all kinds of crazy shit. Well, you know what that means ? It means I have to see more of these jerk offs, cause of stupid people's obsession with them.

 

  The paparazzi follow them everywhere, only feeding the their egos. Pictures pop up all over the place. Pictures of them eating, sun bathing, shopping, shitting. So now little Suzie Superstar is all kinds of pissed, cause there are about three thousand pictures of her sucking Harry Hollywood's dick all over the internet. That doesn't piss her off, however, cause she fucked her way to the top anyway, she knows she's a slut, and you do too. Suzie is pissed off cause she didn't get paid for it, and it wasn't her idea.

 

  An example of this is Madonna. Remember when Playboy published those photos she posed for, before she became famous ? Man, her pussy was in an uproar, she was PISSED OFF. She did it because she was struggling, that's what she said. I can buy that, I really can. Well, that Playboy issue sold like a fucking gazillion copies, and we all were amazed at how god damn hairy her fucking arm pits were.

 

  So what happens next ? Well, obviously she was faking the whole indignant shit, cause I have seen that whoe naked more times than I can shake a dick at. Deep throating bottles, truth or dare, someone fucking kill me already. I can't stand that snatch. All of my friends are like "dude, I would so fuck her"...blah fucking blah.

 

  Hello, that chick has seen more sausage than a butcher. I wouldn't fuck her if SHE paid me. Sorry guys, I get kinda nervous when I see a chick that should have the Mcdonalds sign tattooed on her pussy, "billions and billions served". Granted, I bet ya any microbiologist worth their salt would want that pussy... to study it. I bet its like a medical treasure trove, with all kinds of microbes and infections, never before documented by medical science.

 

  Enough about Madonna. So on with the story. Lets look at things the way they really are. Why do we admirer famous movie stars ? Well, cause they are in the movies...duh. I know that, but lets really look at it. Movie stars are famous, because they portray people, or jobs that are exciting, dangerous, etc...Look at Bruce Willis in Die Hard...that was some cool ass fucking shit ! I love those movies. Same thing for Mel Gibson, the Lethal Weapon series of movies are the BOMB. This doesn't, however, make them REAL HEROES...ok ?

 

  Actually, both of those famous actors appear to be pretty fucking cool. I've seen them in interviews, and they both seem pretty down to earth. That's not the point here. The point is they are not really risking their lives, or anything else. They are only ACTING. The bullets are not real, nor is the danger. This is Hollywood, and its all stories and illusions.

 

  Same thing for singers. I've heard lots of rock ballads, about how how tough life is being on the road. The songs of how hard it is to be in a rock band, blah, blah, blah. How tough is it to get paid to travel all over the fucking world, make shit loads of money, bang hot chicks, and sing?  

Are they fucking kidding me ?? Hey, I've been to smokinggun.com on the net, I have seen the list of whacked out shit these puss bags ask for. "10 bags of M&M's with all of the yellow ones removed", and stuff like that. How about I take all of those yellow M&M's and stick 'em in your fucking eyeballs you god damn sissies !!! What the fuck is that ??

 

  And then a lot of these famous fucking singers write self promoting shit, talking about how "hard" they are, and how they kick ass. Hello, I could kick a lot of ass too, if I had 20 fucking big ass body guards to keep me from getting my ass kicked, after I sucker punched the smallest dude in the room. What a bunch of dick bags.

 

  You want to know who I am a fan of ? I am a fan of one of my best friends in the world, who just served over a year in fucking Iraq. While I may not agree with the politics, my friend is a mother fucking HERO !!! Real bullets, real danger, real drama. I am a fan of the people I work with. Every night at roll call, we sit, getting ready to face what a major news paper has called "a battle zone". I look at the faces of these brave women and men, and I think "what the fuck are they doing here, and what the fuck am I doing here"?  I also think about how proud I am to be able to say I know them. And how I would lay my life down for anyone of them.

 

  The soldiers, the policemen, the fire fighters, the teachers. These are my heroes. I am their most loyal fan. The moral of the story is this. Famous people should be grateful of the praise, money, and devotion their fans give them. They get paid a shit load of money to get pampered, and treated like gods, because WE spend our money on them. Whether its on stage, or at the movies, these cum bags would be nothing with out us. They would be mere mortals, just like you and I, if we didn't elevate them to idol status. The biggest danger they face, is they might not sell a million records, or their movie might get two thumbs down. Fuck off, for real. And for the love of everything good, shut the fuck up. Enjoy the easy life you have been blessed with, and stop bitching. Ya'll knew that was part of being famous, BEFORE you were famous.

 

  Be safe,

  ferg

 

 

 

 

To regret or not regret

Regret. The mere word conjures up images of, well, regret. What is regret, and why do we regret certain things we have done ? Hmm, well, that is the question of the day my children, so lets explore it, shall we ?

For starters, like anything else, there is most certainly levels of regret. And, believe it or not, regret is a multi sided issue. Here is just one example. There she is standing before you. She is so sweet and pretty, and she wants you oh so bad ! You have dreamed about this moment for so long, and like an amazing dream, its finally here. Screeeeeecchhh! Who the fuck just hit the brakes ??? Oh yea, that's right, you have girlfriend, and this little hottie ain't her.

But the girl standing before you is so friggin' hot, you figure she must be blind or stoned if she wants to hook up with you. With out a single doubt, you will never get this chance, with this girl again. But your girl friend has always been there for you, and she never lets you down. She is also very cute and charming, and all of your friends like her. She even likes fucking SPORTS !!! What to do, what to do ?

You have now just met multi sided regret. Or as my dear ole momma used to say, "your damned if you do, and your damned if you don't". If you stab this hot chick with your love harpoon, your gonna feel really shitty the next time your watching that Astro's game with your girl friend. Worse than that, you might even get fucking caught. Whew, now wouldn't that suck a fat dick ?

Well guess what, in this story, I am gonna make you open wide, cause here comes the dirty fat dick, and its aiming right for your mouth. Yup, you got caught. You feel like shit, your girl is throwing up in the bathroom , asking god over and over what did SHE do wrong. You look at those tear stained eyes, and man you feel like a god damn jack ass. You feel it don't you ? Yup, that's right, you feel REGRET.

Now, here's the other side of that REGRET. Lil missy hottie is down on her knees, just begging for a taste of you summer sausage. Her shirt is half undone, and there are beads of sweat running down her love pillows. OH GOD SHE WANTS YOU SO BAD !!!! As hard as your dick is, you just can't hurt lil miss ESPN. Nope, this hottie was a great jerk off fantasy, but you just can't bring yourself to fuck her. You walk away from her, and as your heading out the door, lil miss hottie asks you in the most sincere voice, "are you gay" ?

So off you go, actually feeling good about yourself, temptation looked you right in the eye, and you didn't even blink, you are the fucking man !! Still pumped up from the close encounter of a hot kind, you go see what lil miss ESPN is doing. Within five minutes, you two are fighting big time, over something not even closely related to you possibly cheating on her. "GET OUT", she yells, and off you go. Out the fucking door for the second time in one night.

Man you are steamed. "Fuck her, stupid bitch", you say to yourself. You passed up the fuck of a life time for what ? A fuck you would have been telling your grand kids about in 40 years. What the fuck were you thinking ? Ass like lil miss hottie comes along once in a life time, well maybe twice, but its fucking rare. And you passed it up for Tammy the tomboy...aka you girl friend. Now your regretting NOT fucking her. See, isn't this shit nuts when you really put some thought behind it ?

As they say in those fucking four in the morning infomercials. "but wait there's more". Lets say, you did fuck lil miss hottie like a runaway freight train, and you shot a nut all over lil miss hottie's caboose. Then you go to meet your girl. She never finds out, and you don't get caught. For some strange reason, you still feel regret. You can't put your finger on it, but you do. This is confusing the shit out of you, and its making you lose sleep. What the fuck is up ?

The answer is simple. Most normal human beings are hard wired to regret things we do, that we know are wrong. On the other hand, we are also hard wired to regret things that we don't do, especially if we really want to do something or someone really bad. Without regret, all of mankind would be one messed up colloge of unbridaled passion. Nothing would ever get done, cause we would be to busy fucking. We would still be in the fucking stone age, like the Flintstones.

You gotta admit though, Willma Flintstone is one sexy bitch. Actaully, Beatty is pretty fucking sweat too, I'd give that whoe some of my brountosaurus burger !!! I have no idea how she could ever fuck Barney Rubble, he is a fucking idiot. No wonder they had to adopt Bam Bam. Beatty just couldn't bring herself to fuck that tree trunk looking mother fucker. Wait a second, I am losing track here, gotta stay focused.

The moral of the story is this. There is no magic answer for regret. It is a nescessary evil we all must deal with. Just remeber this. If you do something that casues you regret, or somewhere down the road causes you regret, don't carry that heavy load for long. Let it go. I've seen so many people burdened down with regret, it not only slows them down, it brings them to a complete halt. That "somewhere" down the road of life, becomes a permanant place in the road, never to walk ahead. Kinda like the homelss guys under the freeway overpass.

Its your life, go live it, but don't regret it.

Ferg

My first wet dream

---

The medical term is nocturnal emissions. The rest of the world calls it wet dreams. Whatever the name may be, the wet dream is a turning point in the life of every young boy. It is that magical moment in time, when a boy's acorns take the short journey from their abdomen, into their ball sack, and become a functioning part of their anatomy. According to ancient native american beliefs, this is when a man's brain travels from the big head, to the little head.

For some reason, I remember my wet dream like it just happened last night. And holly fuck was it crazy !!! I would hate for a head shrink to analyze it, because I'm pretty sure I would get committed to an insane asylum. Why don't you tell me what you think ? Here is the story of my first wet dream.

The dream took place in my parent's bedroom of all places. I walked into their bedroom, and there she stood. A really hot, short haired brunette. She stood about 5'4", with great C cup tits. Her nipples were to die for. Classic eraser heads, jutting from her firm and silky breasts. The best part was she was naked, hot, and wanting me !! Like I said, it was a DREAM, my dream, so of course she wanted me. I was the only one there.

She laid back on my parent's bed, and I got into the bed with her. We kissed, and I caressed her beautiful tits. My hands explored her body, like a 49er looking for gold nuggets. Her skin was soft, and her smell was so sweet. I could feel her warmth all over my body. This was fucking cooler than getting a new bike for my birthday. Fuck my star wars dolls, this was the shit.

The big moment came. I climbed on top of my dream girl, and felt my boy hood slip away, and my man hood slip in between her velvety inner thighs, to her wet and waiting pussy. Then, for reasons still unknown to me to this day, the strangest thing happened. Before I tell ya, let me give you a little history.

My best friend in the world was Kevin Feighery. Our favorite thing to do, was to play electric football. You know the game, were you put the plastic football players on the green bases. The football field is actually made of metal, and when you want to run a play, you have to turn the game on. The hold field buzzes loudly, and the players move along, motivated by the vibrating playing surface. We would play this fucking game everyday. Between the two of us, we had every NFL team, in home and away jerseys. We would even pour baby powder on the field, to simulate snow !! We had it going on. I loved that game, and I will challenge any one of you to a game to this very day....

Anyway, here I go, I'm just about to have my first dream sex, and low and behold, my dream girl disappears, and is replaced by an electric football field. I know your all thinking I am full of shit, but I swear to god that's the truth. I can't make this shit up. So now I wake up all hot and I am sweating like a fucking pig. I've got this ragging hard on, making a tighty whitey tee pee in my under pants, and I have to fucking pee.

I knew what had just happened, so I reached into my underwear and checked for any wet spots. Nope, none here. My underwear survived my first nocturnal hormone assault. So I walk to the bathroom, and drop my "close call" underwear to the ground, I gotta pee right ? I take my dick out, and aim it towards the bowl.

Nothing came out. Hmmm, for some reason, however, I felt the overwhelming urge to push. I don't know why, but I pushed down with my abdomen muscles, and let out a little grunt. They say time goes really slow during a traumatic event. This morning, I found out they were telling the truth. I had a traumatic event at this point in the story, and I remember it like it just happened, and every moment was like an eternity.

As I grunted, a big wad of gooey white stuff shot out of the tip of my dick, and flew in the air. Quickly gravity took hold of this Elmer's glue shooting out of my little pink fireman, and it landed right in the center of the toilet bowl. It kinda floated for a second, and then sank to the bottom of the toilet.

I knew what it was. It had FINALLY happened. I was now a MAN !! I got down on my knees, and stared at the massive ball of DNA sitting at the bottom of bowl. I sat there mesmerized. I looked and looked and looked. I couldn't take my eyes of it. This was a historic moment in my life, and I knew, even at that time, my life would never, ever be the same again.

I repeatedly tried to muster up the courage to flush the toilet, but I couldn't do it. What if it never happened again ? Would you want to flush away a piece of your personal history ? If your thinking I fished out my sperm ball from the grasp of the porcelain Davey Jone's locker, your wrong. After a half an hour, I flushed that giz ball. My free swimmers would spend the rest of their short lives, floating in piles of wet shit.

Needless to say, this was the first of thousands of wet dreams to come. Unlike this one, my underpants didn't fair so well during the numerous other wet dreams I had. The moral of the story is this, one boys dream girl, is anothers electric football field.

Be safe,

Ferg

Those were the days

---

Ahhh, the teenage years. How often do we look back, and ponder how much we miss them. I hear it from my friends all the time. Well, being the man I'am, its time to debunk all of that fucking bullshit ! You think those days were so great, so wonderful ? Its time for me to jog the ole memory dome for ya'll.

Shit, there's so much material, where do I start ? Hmmm, lets start with ZITS! It happened to me around the time I was 12. I remember that first zit like it was yesterday. I went to bed, and everything was just fine. I even think I slept pretty well that night. Somewhere in the night, it got me. The Lord Of the Zit found my nose, like a blood hound looking for a murder suspect.

Oh my god !! What the fuck is it !! At first I thought is was my long lost co joined twin, finally making its presence known. Gotta go to school, oh man, oh man, what am I gonna do ? Thank god for band aids. So I slap this stupid fucking band aid across my nose. Looking back, it was probably this very zit, that gave someone the bright idea for those breath easy things ya see all of the pro football players wearing. The only problem was mine was a "my little pony" band aid.

My mom never had a problem getting things at discount prices, and it just so happened...So off I go to school, with a bunch of silly pink, yellow and blue ponies on my friggin' nose. Better then my twin waving to all my friends, right ? In my haste to get out the door, I forgot to bring a few extra, just in case.

Just in case happened at gym class. Oh yeah, we were playing floor hockey ! I loved fucking floor hockey. That has got to be the coolest fucking gym class game known to man. I'm running, shooting, passing, having a blast. Then it happened. All day, the other students had asked me why I was wearing a band aid with prancing ponies on my nose ? "Oh man, I got into a fight dude, got busted right across the nose". It looked gay, but sounded tuff. I figured the fight story would deflect some of the sissy factor of the my little ponies.

I shoot, I score !!!! Everyone looked at me in gym class, all at once. No, it wasn't for the great 30 foot slap shot I just took. I looked down on the ground, and there it was. All of those happy little silly ass ponies had leapt from my nose, to the hard wood floor. They were now looking up at me, laughing. I swear one of them even flipped me the hoof...

Blue balls, an affliction so horrid, it should have its own foundation. Jerry fucking Lewis shoulda said. "Fuck MS, more people suffer from blue balls", and suffer is an understatement. My first experience hit me like a baseball bat to the fucking nuts. My sisters friend came over, and yes she was a horny fucking teenager too. We must have made out for five, six hours. The whole time my dick was as hard as granite.

Well, after the marathon foreplay session, I drag myself, and my rock hard sweaty dick to bed. I almost escaped the pain, I almost fell asleep. It started with a little ache in my left nut. Then like an oil slick in Alaska, it spread to my right nut. Up to my abdomen, across my hips. someone call nine fucking one, one. I think I am dying !!!! The pain was so intense, it brought tears to my eyes. Looking back, I know I shoulda jerked off, but it was to late. Once that pain comes, not even cumming will stop it. That was the first of many bouts of the dreaded blue balls.

To make matters worse, being I really had no idea what was going on. I went and talked to my MOM !!!!! Being the angel that she was, she saved me the immediate embarrassment of punking me out about blue balls. She knew that I had blue balls, but she never said a word about it. She just told me to go to sleep, and I would be ok in the morning. As I left my parents bedroom, I heard a lourd burst of laughter coming from both my parents. They weren't laughing at me, were they ?

Here is just a small list of other diddies, to make you remember:

1) never getting laid

2)asking parents for money

3)bad hair cuts

4)school lunch

5)asking permission to go out

6)no car or drivers license

7)asshole jocks

8)homework

I could go on and on, but I am sure I have started a cascade of your own memories. Go on now, and reflect on these memories. Look back and smile. They are funny, and sad at the same time. Ya know what ? I miss them too, even the blue balls.

Be safe,

ferg